Dumb Bum Stories

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El Mariachi

Veteran XV
So there's this one crazy bum that's always outside at our smoking area. Usually just sitting around, talking to himself, laughing to himself. Or some such nonsense. Pretty sure he sticks around to fish out all the unused portions of cigarette butts or what have you.

I'm just standing there, outside, minding my own fucking business- checking my e-mail and he straight up walks in front of me. Stands there for a few seconds...

BUMB: "Excuse me"
ME: (waits a few seconds, look up from phone, assuming he's going to ask for a light) "yea?"
BUMB: "Excuse me, you're standing in my spot"
ME: (incredulous) "Are you fucking kidding me?"
BUMB: "You're in my spot"
ME: "What the fuck are you talking about?"
ME: "What fucking bullshit is that? Am I in your fucking spot? This isn't your fucking spot. I don't see shit around here that says this is your fucking spot"
BUMB looks at me for a second "But this is my spot"
ME: "Why does this have to be your spot? Why can't I just fucking stand here and smoke my fucking cigarette without this bullshit?"

BUMB looks at me again, while I'm thinking that this schizo motherfucker might shank me or some bullshit, and how the fuck am I gonna explain to my boss why I've got a stab wound...he walks a few feet away and sits down. Now, I'm not the type of person who is gonna do piddly bullshit to piss people off, I notice that I'm accidentally flicking my ashes at him. Oops.

So while I'm preparing for another showdown with him for this encroachment on his property, he gets up and walks away. Guess I'll have to wait another day to get my ass stabbed.

Anyone else have any stupid bum stories?
 
A bum once threw a pizza into my buddies car. We had bought a pizza and got another free, so we though "Hey this would be nice to give it to this homeless guy" but I guess he didn't like pizza.

:sunny:
 
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i was making out with a girl outside a club....and i hear this voice say 'excuse me' about 10 times....getting closer....then she taps the girl i was making out with on the shoulder and says 'excuse me miss, can you spare some change'

fucked up shit
 
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I was in New Orleans on Bourbon Street one night with a bunch of bros. A black guy starts talking to me and a friend. He's telling me that he has green eyes because his mother was from France. His eyes were brown.
 
Wow, you're kind of a douche, huh? I'm guessing that he's a "bumb" for a reason, like maybe mentally incapacitated? Good thing he wasn't parapalegic, you'd have kicked his ass, huh tough guy????
 
i have a knack for attracting the crazy bums. two incidents that come to mind are:

1) on my way to the atlanta airport, while having lunch, a bum comes up and asks if i have any change so he can get on the marta to head across town. i tell him sorry, no change. he starts walking off. i then realize i wil have two or three extra marta coins after my trip to the airport. so i call him back and tell him i forgot these. he holds out his hands and looks at them like theyre fucking toxic. throws them into the street and says "fuck you man! what am i going to buy with marta coins!" and walks away flipping me off.

2) while living in hawaii my brother came out to visit. we went over to ala moana mall. there was this bum following around these girls and being really creepy/threatening. so my brother says something to the guy along the lines of "leave them alone" the bum flips out, starts rambling his veteran spiel and continues to follow us around the mall threatening to stab us with dirty needles. my brother could have dropped him easily, but was afraid of potential dirty needles. we couldnt find any security or police (big surprise...not), so we eventually dodged him and were able to avoid his detection...while he continued to wander around the mall yelling that he's going to stab us and looking for us in the trash cans.....
 
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