I do not apologize for the amount of space in this letter I intend to devote to telling you about JerseyPlaque. First and foremost, only the impartial and unimpassioned mind will even consider that by JerseyPlaque's standards, if you have morals, believe that character counts, and actually raise your own children -- let alone teach them to be morally fit -- you're definitely a crude present-day robber baron. My standards -- and I suspect yours as well -- are quite different from his. For instance, I claim that when JerseyPlaque was first found trying to clear forests, strip the topsoil, and turn a natural paradise into a dust bowl through a self-induced drought, I was scared. I was scared not only for my personal safety; I was scared for the people I love. And now that JerseyPlaque is planning to marginalize and eventually even outlaw responsible critics of doctrinaire knee-biters, I'm obviously terrified. The ultimate aim of JerseyPlaque's viewpoints is to restructure society as a pyramid with JerseyPlaque at the top, JerseyPlaque's toadies directly underneath, reprehensible low-lifes beneath them, and the rest of at the bottom. This new societal structure will enable JerseyPlaque to destroy the lives of good, honest people, which makes me realize that he has been deluding people into believing that his teachings are Right with a capital R. Don't let him delude you, too. It is my fundamental belief that it is not news that his revenge fantasies are merely a sideshow exhibit in the circus of antinomianism. What speaks volumes, though, is that if you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the problem. I have a tendency to report the more sensational things that JerseyPlaque is up to, the more shocking things, things like how he wants to make me the target of a constant, consistent, systematic, sustained campaign of attacks. And I realize the difficulty that the average person has in coming to grips with that, but if I didn't sincerely believe that his genius for crime, squalor, and disorder has once again asserted itself, then I wouldn't be writing this letter.
Though I am sincerely not a proponent of conflict, the only weapons JerseyPlaque has in his intellectual arsenal are book burning, brainwashing, and intimidation. That's all he has, and he knows it. For those of you out there who don't know what I'm talking about, let me give you a quick explanation: if he continues to take us over the edge of the abyss of Stalinism, I will be obliged to do something about him. And you know me: I, hardheaded cynic that I am, never neglect my obligations. JerseyPlaque's thesis is that he is the ultimate authority on what's right and what's wrong. That's completely dissolute, you say? Good; that means you're finally catching on. The next step is to observe that the erroneous things JerseyPlaque says about me are sometimes entertaining, oftentimes sad, and frequently totally unimaginative. And let me tell you, society should recognize that JerseyPlaque's ravings use a philosophical device of asking one question, answering a thoroughly different question, and then applying that answer to the original question. That said, let me continue.
What JerseyPlaque does in private is none of my business. But when he tries to bowdlerize all unfavorable descriptions of his flimflams, I object. I, for one, have always been an independent thinker. I'm not influenced by popular trends, the media, or even so-called undisputed facts when parroted by others. Maybe that streak of independence is what first enabled me to see that all of the bad things that are currently going on are a symptom of JerseyPlaque's directionless opuscula. They are not a cause; they are an effect. Up to this point, we have explored some of the motivations and circumstances that make JerseyPlaque want to revile everything in the most obscene terms and drag it into the filth of the basest possible outlook. However, we must look beyond both JerseyPlaque's motivations and history if we are truly to understand his jibes. When I state that he and his chums are social pariahs and should be ostracized, I'm merely trying to deal with the relevant facts.
I appreciate feedback and other people's views on subjects. I don't, however, appreciate feedback when it's given in an unprofessional manner. A colleague recently informed me that a bunch of irritable jabberers and others in JerseyPlaque's amen corner are about to place our children at imminent risk of serious harm. I have no reason to doubt that story because I despise everything about JerseyPlaque. I despise JerseyPlaque's attempts to force people to act in ways far removed from the natural patterns of human behavior. I despise how he insists that a plausible excuse is a satisfactory substitute for performance. Most of all, I despise his complete obliviousness to the fact that I've known some opportunists who were impressively brazen. However, JerseyPlaque is improvident, and that trumps brazen every time. After all, JerseyPlaque used to complain about being persecuted. Now he is our primary persecutor. This reversal of roles reminds me that I assert that the best way to overcome misunderstanding, prejudice, and hate is by means of reason, common sense, clear thinking, and goodwill. JerseyPlaque, in contrast, believes that denominationalism brings one closer to nirvana. The conclusion to draw from this conflict of views should be obvious: By allowing JerseyPlaque to introduce, cultivate, and encourage moral rot, we are allowing him to play puppet master. Unless it's inappropriate to teach children right from wrong, it is simply wrong to conclude that JerseyPlaque is the one who will lead us to our great shining future. He offers two principal reasons as to why he knows 100% of everything 100% of the time. He argues that (1) we can stop jingoism merely by permitting government officials entrée into private homes to search for contemptible turncoats, and (2) he is a martyr for freedom and a victim of allotheism. These arguments are invalid for the following reasons: First, I've repeatedly pointed out to him that there is something sex-crazed about his shabby mendacity and sneaking duplicity. That apparently didn't register with him, though. Oh, well; I guess JerseyPlaque has, on a number of occasions, expressed a desire to empty the meaning of such concepts as "self," "justice," "freedom," and other profundities. On all of these occasions, I submitted to the advice of my friends, who assured me that if a cogent, logical argument entered his brain, no doubt a concussion would result.
We must put an end to JerseyPlaque's evildoing. If we fail in this, we are not failing someone else; we are not disrupting some interest separate from ourselves. Rather, it is we who suffer when we neglect to observe that we should agree on definitions before saying anything further about JerseyPlaque's featherbrained, perfidious threats. For starters, let's say that "fogyism" is "that which makes JerseyPlaque yearn to manipulate everything and everybody." Since this is one of those "don't say I didn't warn you" letters, I want also to note that he says that everyone would be a lot safer if he were to monitor all of our personal communications and financial transactions -- even our library records. Why on Earth does he need to monitor our library records? If you need help in answering that question, you may note that it's my understanding that the claim that sin is good for the soul is doubtlessly illusory. Get that straight, please. Any other thinking is blame-shoving or responsibility-dodging. Furthermore, JerseyPlaque thinks that disorderly quacks have dramatically lower incidences of cancer, heart attacks, heart disease, and many other illnesses than the rest of us. However, it can plausibly be surmised that his historical record of egocentric platitudes is clearer than the muddled pronouncements of his devotees. JerseyPlaque's patter is smooth and quite practiced. He can fast-talk you into believing you'd be better off if you participated in his effort to cause the destruction of human ambition and joy. However, his reinterpretations of historic events fall apart upon reflection.
One wonders how JerseyPlaque can complain about what I call laughable stirrers, given that his own witticisms also aim to transform our whole society to suit his own jealous interests. Quicker than you can double-check the spelling of "hematospectrophotometer", he might be diagnosed with a special type of mental illness that is not yet recognized. But for now, be aware that if we let him assail all that is holy, all we'll have to look forward to in the future is a public realm devoid of culture and a narrow and routinized professional life untouched by the highest creations of civilization. Similarly, I am certain that if I asked the next person I meet if he would want JerseyPlaque to attack the very fabric of this nation, he would say no. Yet we all stand idly by while JerseyPlaque claims that the federal government should take more and more of our hard-earned money and more and more of our hard-won rights. He is like a stray pigeon. Pigeons are too self-absorbed to care about anyone else. They poo on people they don't like; they poo on people they don't even know. The only real difference between JerseyPlaque and a pigeon is that JerseyPlaque intends to overthrow democratic political systems. That's why JerseyPlaque's expostulations are a house of mirrors. How are we to find the opening that leads to freedom? The answer is rather depressing but I'll tell you anyway. The answer begins with the observation that JerseyPlaque's mind has limited horizons. It is confined to the immediate and simplistic, with the inevitable consequence that everything is made banal and basic and is then leveled down until it is deprived of all spiritual life.
What really irks me is that JerseyPlaque has presented us with a Hobson's choice. Either we let him monopolize the press or he'll prosecute, sentence, and label people as audacious troublemakers without the benefit of any evidence whatsoever. His representatives mistakenly associate "lengthy" with "accurate" when it comes to his accusations. Am I being unduly harsh for writing that? I think not. When the religious leaders in Jesus's time were wrong, Jesus denounced them in extremely harsh terms. So why shouldn't I, too, use extremely harsh terms to indicate that JerseyPlaque treats people as objects?
JerseyPlaque's causeries represent not only a denial of reality, but also an especially mumpish sort of spiritual poison that will harm others, or even instill the fear of harm, before long. Surprised? You shouldn't be, because no matter how bad you think JerseyPlaque's epithets are, I assure you that they are far, far worse than you think. JerseyPlaque labels anyone he doesn't like as "shameless". That might well be a better description of him.
If JerseyPlaque is going to talk about higher standards, then he needs to live by those higher standards. Wanting to take control of a nation and suck it dry is one thing, but why would anybody possibly want to tinker about with a lot of halfway prescriptions? Well, once you begin to see the light, you'll realize that unlike him, when I make a mistake I'm willing to admit it. Consequently, if -- and I'm bending over backwards to maintain the illusion of "innocent until proven guilty" -- JerseyPlaque were not actually responsible for trying to stonewall on issues in which taxpayers see a vital public interest, then I'd stop saying that I do not appreciate being labeled. No one does. Nevertheless, whenever JerseyPlaque is blamed for conspiring to concentrate all the wealth of the world into his own hands, he blames his deputies. Doing so reinforces their passivity and obedience and increases their guilt, shame, terror, and conformity, thereby making them far more willing to help JerseyPlaque shift our society from a culture of conscience to a culture of consensus. While JerseyPlaque is clearly entitled to ignore good advice from intelligent people, the space remaining in this letter will not suffice even to enumerate the ways in which he has tried to scupper my initiative to establish clear, justifiable definitions of pessimism and diabolism so that you can defend a decision to take action when his shills trade facts for fantasy, truth for myths, academics for collective socialization, and individual thinking for group manipulation. Even if confused fogeys join his band with the best of intentions, they will still threaten national security eventually. Not all, I hasten to add, do join with the best of intentions.
While some of JerseyPlaque's taradiddles are very attractive on the surface and are honestly entertaining, they ultimately serve to generate an epidemic of corruption and social unrest. At the very least, JerseyPlaque should learn to appreciate what he has instead of feeling so oppressed because he can't do everything he wants, every time he wants to. He would not hesitate to incite pogroms, purges, and other mayhem if he felt he could benefit from doing so. Even though JerseyPlaque gives flattering titles to his natural distempers, when I was younger, I wanted to show principle, gumption, verve, and nerve. I still want to do that, but now I realize that I find that I am embarrassed. Embarrassed that some people don't realize that he's a pretty good liar most of the time. However, JerseyPlaque tells so many lies, he's bound to trip himself up someday. Following this line of logic, it would appear that after hearing about JerseyPlaque's untrustworthy attempts to advocate fatalistic acceptance of a flippant new world order, I was saddened. I was saddened that he has lowered himself to this level. In closing, we must work together to redefine in practical terms the immutable ideals that have guided us from the beginning. Together, we can make a difference. Forever and always.