|R|u|s|t|y|
Veteran XX
***Update***
---8 days out---
Firstly, thank you everyone for your support in this thread and in very thoughtful PMs that I've received, it means a lot from my tribalwarrior brothers (& tranny).
The first couple days after drinking I was EXTREMELY irritable. I was pissed, creating rollercoaster scenarios in my head with work, general anger issues, I was very much in a constant fight or flight mode.
I went 3 days without drinking, which is the longest I had gone in almost 2 years without drinking. It was previously 2 days.
Friday night I drove to see my parents and brother in Indiana, a 3 hour drive, and when I got there I had 1 cocktail and 2 1/3 full glasses of wine.
By Friday I had actually begun to feel better and stable. and then when I woke up the next morning I woke up extremely dehydrated and was wondering why I even did it.
Up until today, Wed. night, I haven't had anything else to drink and honestly it almost makes me ill to think about drinking it. My wife came home with some really good cherry wine from traverse city and I really want to have some of it but we said we'll have it in the next cpl nights and I'm not thinking about it or anything *itch*itch*. I've been in a couple situations where the people around me were cramming beers at a bar or when I was golfing with a friend but I honestly felt no desire for it.
The same thing happened when I smoked cigarettes. I chain smoked for 6 months then one day realized how crazy it was and how I was thinking about it all day and I was immediately turned off by it.
I DO still have an occasional cigarette and I'm sure I will have drinks on the weekend but right now I have the antabuse sitting and waiting at the pharmacy (shit is $50 wtf) and I have a couple sheets of paper with AA meeting #s if I want to go but I think that's far away from me now.
But I may also be totally in denial, I have no idea, but right now I'm not really craving alcohol.
I've heard once an alcoholic always an alcoholic but is it true?
______________________________________________________________________________________
This is my 'getting over denial' post to my little secret-life TW friends. I've referred to my excessive drinking in other threads, but this is my necessary game-changer. I might have even made a post like this in the past, I simply don't remember, which is another reason I need to do this, my memory is shot.
I'm a functional alcoholic and i'm not embarrassed by it - it is what it is and i know millions struggle with it too. In today's world, with all of the enormous expectations of us, it's easy to crack and find an outlet and most likely it's not going to be a healthy one.
You may have seen my 'eye-opener/health scare' post last wednesday and alcohol was related, and probably is the core issue to my extremely high blood-pressure. Basically I would drink until I passed out, then wake up, chug coffee, espressos, water and take a bunch of advil to get over the hang-over.
On Wednesday, when I went to the doctor she asked if I had thought about taking Antabuse, basically a medicine that when you take it, if you drink, you get violently ill. I told her that since I'm being told by a doctor that it's becoming a serious issue for me and that I'm technically drinking at an alcoholic's level and it's leading to a lifestyle that's putting me in the doctor's office during the week, that I am strong enough to limit my drinking myself, but I guess I'm not. In the 5 days since that appointment, I've drank 4 days. So, on Wednesday, I have a follow-up appointment and I'm going to ask to be put on the antabuse.
I have reduced my coffee intake to only 2 cups in the morning and I'm off xanax, but on another anti-anxiety med now.
For those that may wonder how much I'm drinking... If I know my wife won't give me a headache, or she will be out of the house for an hour or so, I'll have 2 24oz. craft beers at a 8-12% ABV, or a 1/2 pint of vodka, or a bottle of wine about 5 days a week. Sometimes I would go behind a dumpster near where I live just before I went inside my home and kill the 1/2 pint of vodka in a cpl mins so my wife wouldn't know. Every once in a while it'd be a full pint. Sometimes I would drink a bottle of wine in like 20 mins if that's all that was around and I could hide in the bathroom or something.
As with many others I'm sure, my issue progressed over years and varying circumstances that I won't bore you with but ultimately, each time, I would either decide to drink from thinking it was just something that was fun, or as a coping mechanism for stress and anger.
Someone on the forum here was nice enough to offer me his phone number and to get together to talk about it and hang out and I think I'll take him up on it.
IDK if I wanna start AA or anything, hopefully I can deal with it with just the Antabuse, but I wouldn't be ashamed if I couldn't deal with the urges to drink myself and end up going, it's just another tool I guess.
I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders just by openly admitting to myself that I have this problem and beginning this process.
Ask questions if you have any, just please spare me the bs.
Have a good Tuesday!
Rusty
---8 days out---
Firstly, thank you everyone for your support in this thread and in very thoughtful PMs that I've received, it means a lot from my tribalwarrior brothers (& tranny).
The first couple days after drinking I was EXTREMELY irritable. I was pissed, creating rollercoaster scenarios in my head with work, general anger issues, I was very much in a constant fight or flight mode.
I went 3 days without drinking, which is the longest I had gone in almost 2 years without drinking. It was previously 2 days.
Friday night I drove to see my parents and brother in Indiana, a 3 hour drive, and when I got there I had 1 cocktail and 2 1/3 full glasses of wine.
By Friday I had actually begun to feel better and stable. and then when I woke up the next morning I woke up extremely dehydrated and was wondering why I even did it.
Up until today, Wed. night, I haven't had anything else to drink and honestly it almost makes me ill to think about drinking it. My wife came home with some really good cherry wine from traverse city and I really want to have some of it but we said we'll have it in the next cpl nights and I'm not thinking about it or anything *itch*itch*. I've been in a couple situations where the people around me were cramming beers at a bar or when I was golfing with a friend but I honestly felt no desire for it.
The same thing happened when I smoked cigarettes. I chain smoked for 6 months then one day realized how crazy it was and how I was thinking about it all day and I was immediately turned off by it.
I DO still have an occasional cigarette and I'm sure I will have drinks on the weekend but right now I have the antabuse sitting and waiting at the pharmacy (shit is $50 wtf) and I have a couple sheets of paper with AA meeting #s if I want to go but I think that's far away from me now.
But I may also be totally in denial, I have no idea, but right now I'm not really craving alcohol.
I've heard once an alcoholic always an alcoholic but is it true?
______________________________________________________________________________________
This is my 'getting over denial' post to my little secret-life TW friends. I've referred to my excessive drinking in other threads, but this is my necessary game-changer. I might have even made a post like this in the past, I simply don't remember, which is another reason I need to do this, my memory is shot.
I'm a functional alcoholic and i'm not embarrassed by it - it is what it is and i know millions struggle with it too. In today's world, with all of the enormous expectations of us, it's easy to crack and find an outlet and most likely it's not going to be a healthy one.
You may have seen my 'eye-opener/health scare' post last wednesday and alcohol was related, and probably is the core issue to my extremely high blood-pressure. Basically I would drink until I passed out, then wake up, chug coffee, espressos, water and take a bunch of advil to get over the hang-over.
On Wednesday, when I went to the doctor she asked if I had thought about taking Antabuse, basically a medicine that when you take it, if you drink, you get violently ill. I told her that since I'm being told by a doctor that it's becoming a serious issue for me and that I'm technically drinking at an alcoholic's level and it's leading to a lifestyle that's putting me in the doctor's office during the week, that I am strong enough to limit my drinking myself, but I guess I'm not. In the 5 days since that appointment, I've drank 4 days. So, on Wednesday, I have a follow-up appointment and I'm going to ask to be put on the antabuse.
I have reduced my coffee intake to only 2 cups in the morning and I'm off xanax, but on another anti-anxiety med now.
For those that may wonder how much I'm drinking... If I know my wife won't give me a headache, or she will be out of the house for an hour or so, I'll have 2 24oz. craft beers at a 8-12% ABV, or a 1/2 pint of vodka, or a bottle of wine about 5 days a week. Sometimes I would go behind a dumpster near where I live just before I went inside my home and kill the 1/2 pint of vodka in a cpl mins so my wife wouldn't know. Every once in a while it'd be a full pint. Sometimes I would drink a bottle of wine in like 20 mins if that's all that was around and I could hide in the bathroom or something.
As with many others I'm sure, my issue progressed over years and varying circumstances that I won't bore you with but ultimately, each time, I would either decide to drink from thinking it was just something that was fun, or as a coping mechanism for stress and anger.
Someone on the forum here was nice enough to offer me his phone number and to get together to talk about it and hang out and I think I'll take him up on it.
IDK if I wanna start AA or anything, hopefully I can deal with it with just the Antabuse, but I wouldn't be ashamed if I couldn't deal with the urges to drink myself and end up going, it's just another tool I guess.
I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders just by openly admitting to myself that I have this problem and beginning this process.
Ask questions if you have any, just please spare me the bs.
Have a good Tuesday!
Rusty
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