As I pulled up to the McDonald's drive-thru and gazed at the death-
infested menu which was so obviously responsible for breast cancer,
arthritis, Erik Estrada, racism, and every tragedy in the last 9,000,000
years, I had a change of heart. Instead of my usual "Can I have a #3 combo
with a Coke, please?" I shouted, "Y0 B1TCH! I WANT A FUKN QUADRO-P0UNDER
W1TH N0 FUKN VEGETABULZ 0R SH1T THAT GR0WZ 0N TREEZ!"
"Ok sir, you wanted a Quarter Pounder, just plain, is that correct?"
"N0 B1TCH! I ZED I WANTED A FUKN QUADR0-P0UNDER! GET IT R1TE 0R DIE!"
I hear quiet laughter through the speaker. "A what pounder?!"
"A FUKN QUADR0-P0UNDER!"
"Uh... I don't think we have that. Are you sure you don't mean a
Quarter Pounder?"
"N0 I D0N'T MEEN A FUKN MEEZLY AZZ QUARTUR P0UNDER! HERE'Z WHAT I WANT,
2 FUKN D0UBLE QUARTER P0UNDERZ PUT T0GETHER 2 MAKE 1 QUADR0-P0UNDER!"
"Ooohhh... you want *2* Double Quarter Pounders then?"
"N0 B1TCH! I WANT 1 FUKN QUADR0-P0UNDER! TAKE THE 2 D0UBLEZ, PUT THEM
T0GETHUR AND GIV ME 1 QUADR0! U G0T IT YET BRAINIAK?"
An employee peeks out from the back entrance. "Oh! Ok... I think we
can do that. Would you like cheese on that?"
"FUK N0 B1TCH! I WANT 4 H0T SLABZ 0F C0W DETH 0N A BUN WITH N0 FUKING
HIPPIE AZZ VEGETABULZ! I ALZ0 D0NT WANT ANY FUKING LAME VEGAN FRIEZ 0R ANY
TYPE 0F RECYKULD PAKAGING. N0 KUP, N0 BAG, N0 WRAPPERZ... PUT THE SHIT 0N
THE WIND0W K0UNTER THING AND I WILL TAKE IT!"
"Uh...."
"FUK IT & GIMME THAT WHICH IZ THE S0URCE 0F ALL EVIL... N0W!"
"Thank you. Please drive to the second window."
For the record, I got my fucking Quadro-Pounder and it r0cked. I am
faxing McDonald's tomorrow and demanding that this awesome item be
permanently added to every McDonald's menu around the world.
