I wrote this up after a particularly rough night as a sanitorial consultant. I was in a bad mood. Do not spread this without crediting me, you fuckers.
Rules of the Rest Room:
I find lately when cleaning toilets that I have less patience for idiocy than I had before... which is saying something serious.
People crap in rest rooms. That's what happens. We provide them with clean facilities for for pooh and pee, and then we ask that they play nicely. We try to assume that at the age of 21 and higher, they'll understand how to do that.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that usually.
Here are the rules for you, as a customer at my rest room:
1 - Tip. Tip early, often, and well. If you do that, I can forgive a whole lot more from you.
2 - Wait your turn. Yes, I saw you come up. Yes, I see that you're holding money. Great, you've got nice tits. I'm happy for you. This guy over here, though... he was waiting patiently before you showed up. Deal with it.
3 - If you are involved in a physical altercation, I don't care who started it. The important thing is that there was violence in the toilet while I was working. I will kick your ass out. If you don't go when I ask politely, I will call the police. There is more at stake in the rest room than your fucking ego, asshole. You endanger everyone at the urinals when you're in a fight, and you especially put the cleaners in a shitty position - often quite literally. We aren't paid well enough to take a punch from a random asshole *ouch*.
4 - Guys- if you see a guy sitting alone and feel the need to hit on him, go for it. Have my blessings. The moment he's not interested, figure it out. Learn how to read body language - if I had a dollar for every time I have had guys come up to the cleaning station to ask me to get guys away from them, I might actually make some money while being a janitor lately. It's that fucking bad.
5 - Do not spread excrement across the walls. I may have to scold you in a language you don't understand.
7 - No body shots ON the sink tops please. I don't want your skanky ass on my clean vanity unit.
8 - If you're going to fuck, do it in your car or home. Don't fucking do it in the bathrooms - they're fucking nasty, first of all, and second of all, ew. Unless of course you've complied with rule 1
11- Some of us like to go home after work, and not have to sit there trying to kick your sorry asses out for 30 minutes after the rest room is closed. When I turn on the flourescent lights, any chance you had with whatever creature you were talking with is gone. Flourescents destroy beer goggles. It's a fact. I recomend leaving at your earliest convenience, if you want to get laid out of those drinks you bought.
13- I will card you if you look under 40 and I don't know you. If you're not 21, you're not *select here* Again with the #2 reference - I don't care if you think you're cute. You're not cute enough that it's worth me paying a 5000 dollar fine, the rest room getting points on its license, and me having to sit through classes.
14- while sucking up to the janitors is fine, don't expect us to treat you better with towels. Our towels are already fucking huge. You're not getting special consideration.
15- There's a very huge probability that I hate you.
16 - DO NOT fucking ash on the floor or put cigarettes out on the table. That's fucking rude, especially when there are ashtrays everywhere.
17- I don't care if you know the owner. I know carrie and harry too. I work with them every week. I've been good friends with Carrie for years - and I know for a fact that if I need her to, she'll back me up even if I say the sky is orange at her rest room.
Now, if you can respect these rules, this is what I will provide in return:
1 - Entertainment. That's what janitors do sometimes. I'll crack jokes, flirt with your ugly sister, whatever. I want you to have a good time.
2 - Sometimes we'll put on a good movie or visuals, or if there's a big game of some sort on we'll bigscreen it for you. If I'm in a really good mood I might even tolerate Nascar.
3 - I will keep your urinals clean. It's what I do.
4 - I will help you out when you ask for a *enter word* suggestion.
5 - I will look up shit I don't know.
6 - I will empty your ashtrays on a regular basis and pick up your empties.
7 - I will act like I like you.
8 - I will not slash your tires.
9 - I will not overcharge you.
The following are the consequences of breaking the rules and being a fucktard in general:
1 - I will overcharge you.
2 - I will not hesitate to call the police on your ass if you're making my life difficult. They're paid to tazer assholes like you.
3 - I will tell your girl/boy friend about the other girl/guy you came in with last week.
4 - You will not get served.
5 - I will make sure you look like an idiot at some point in the night, trust me. It's something I do very well.
6 - I will tell whatever person you're chatting up about your 4 kids and 3 different known diseases. Yeah, I will lie if I have to.
7 - I will cut you off - in front of your friends - early in the night.
8 - I will ignore every friend of yours. I don't give a flying fuck who they are.
9 - I will encourage every guy / girl in the rest room to hit on your significant other if you have one there, or whatever you're chatting up.
10- As you leave, I will conveniently forget to tell you about the police DUI checkpoint up the road a bit.
Thank you and have a nice day.
Thought this was funny when I started, but I'm bored now. Credit to Loop for the idea of course. And no, I'm not taking the piss.
Rules of the Rest Room:
I find lately when cleaning toilets that I have less patience for idiocy than I had before... which is saying something serious.
People crap in rest rooms. That's what happens. We provide them with clean facilities for for pooh and pee, and then we ask that they play nicely. We try to assume that at the age of 21 and higher, they'll understand how to do that.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that usually.
Here are the rules for you, as a customer at my rest room:
1 - Tip. Tip early, often, and well. If you do that, I can forgive a whole lot more from you.
2 - Wait your turn. Yes, I saw you come up. Yes, I see that you're holding money. Great, you've got nice tits. I'm happy for you. This guy over here, though... he was waiting patiently before you showed up. Deal with it.
3 - If you are involved in a physical altercation, I don't care who started it. The important thing is that there was violence in the toilet while I was working. I will kick your ass out. If you don't go when I ask politely, I will call the police. There is more at stake in the rest room than your fucking ego, asshole. You endanger everyone at the urinals when you're in a fight, and you especially put the cleaners in a shitty position - often quite literally. We aren't paid well enough to take a punch from a random asshole *ouch*.
4 - Guys- if you see a guy sitting alone and feel the need to hit on him, go for it. Have my blessings. The moment he's not interested, figure it out. Learn how to read body language - if I had a dollar for every time I have had guys come up to the cleaning station to ask me to get guys away from them, I might actually make some money while being a janitor lately. It's that fucking bad.
5 - Do not spread excrement across the walls. I may have to scold you in a language you don't understand.
7 - No body shots ON the sink tops please. I don't want your skanky ass on my clean vanity unit.
8 - If you're going to fuck, do it in your car or home. Don't fucking do it in the bathrooms - they're fucking nasty, first of all, and second of all, ew. Unless of course you've complied with rule 1
11- Some of us like to go home after work, and not have to sit there trying to kick your sorry asses out for 30 minutes after the rest room is closed. When I turn on the flourescent lights, any chance you had with whatever creature you were talking with is gone. Flourescents destroy beer goggles. It's a fact. I recomend leaving at your earliest convenience, if you want to get laid out of those drinks you bought.
13- I will card you if you look under 40 and I don't know you. If you're not 21, you're not *select here* Again with the #2 reference - I don't care if you think you're cute. You're not cute enough that it's worth me paying a 5000 dollar fine, the rest room getting points on its license, and me having to sit through classes.
14- while sucking up to the janitors is fine, don't expect us to treat you better with towels. Our towels are already fucking huge. You're not getting special consideration.
15- There's a very huge probability that I hate you.
16 - DO NOT fucking ash on the floor or put cigarettes out on the table. That's fucking rude, especially when there are ashtrays everywhere.
17- I don't care if you know the owner. I know carrie and harry too. I work with them every week. I've been good friends with Carrie for years - and I know for a fact that if I need her to, she'll back me up even if I say the sky is orange at her rest room.
Now, if you can respect these rules, this is what I will provide in return:
1 - Entertainment. That's what janitors do sometimes. I'll crack jokes, flirt with your ugly sister, whatever. I want you to have a good time.
2 - Sometimes we'll put on a good movie or visuals, or if there's a big game of some sort on we'll bigscreen it for you. If I'm in a really good mood I might even tolerate Nascar.
3 - I will keep your urinals clean. It's what I do.
4 - I will help you out when you ask for a *enter word* suggestion.
5 - I will look up shit I don't know.
6 - I will empty your ashtrays on a regular basis and pick up your empties.
7 - I will act like I like you.
8 - I will not slash your tires.
9 - I will not overcharge you.
The following are the consequences of breaking the rules and being a fucktard in general:
1 - I will overcharge you.
2 - I will not hesitate to call the police on your ass if you're making my life difficult. They're paid to tazer assholes like you.
3 - I will tell your girl/boy friend about the other girl/guy you came in with last week.
4 - You will not get served.
5 - I will make sure you look like an idiot at some point in the night, trust me. It's something I do very well.
6 - I will tell whatever person you're chatting up about your 4 kids and 3 different known diseases. Yeah, I will lie if I have to.
7 - I will cut you off - in front of your friends - early in the night.
8 - I will ignore every friend of yours. I don't give a flying fuck who they are.
9 - I will encourage every guy / girl in the rest room to hit on your significant other if you have one there, or whatever you're chatting up.
10- As you leave, I will conveniently forget to tell you about the police DUI checkpoint up the road a bit.
Thank you and have a nice day.
Thought this was funny when I started, but I'm bored now. Credit to Loop for the idea of course. And no, I'm not taking the piss.
