Bad Pun Friday
- Thread starter [MoM] Gort
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[MoM] Gort
Veteran XX
Apparently there's a viral outbreak going on in Austria right now that is crippling their dairy industry. Cows everywhere are vomiting uncontrollably and bellowing at ear-splitting levels.
Now their hills are alive with the sounds of moo-sick.
Now their hills are alive with the sounds of moo-sick.
[MoM] Gort
Veteran XX
There once was a village that was built atop a huge hill. Life there would have been perfect, save for one problem: the only source of water in the area was a river that flowed past the bottom of the hill. Each day, the villagers would have to make their way down the hill to fill their water buckets and trudge them back to the top. Ordinarily, this wouldn't have been too bad, but the hill was so tall and the river so far away, it took hours just to make the round trip.
The ruler of the village offered a huge reward to anyone who could bring water to the village without taking several hours. All manner of complex engineering schemes were tried, but none were successful.
One day, a wandering minstrel happened upon the village and, seeing the villagers struggles, decided to help.
"Okay," said the minstrel, "the first thing you need to do is plant as many cucumbers as you can."
The villagers were confused by the instruction but, being desperate for a solution, they did as they were told and in a few months were rewarded with a bumper crop of cukes.
The minstrel took all the cucumbers, put them into a large barrel and began to pickle them.
"Now," said the minstrel, "I need a group of people to dig a trench. Start at the riverbank, go up the side of the hill and into the village. Then make a U-turn and go back down the other side of the hill and end a few yards downriver from where you started."
Again, the villagers were confused but compliant and, after several weeks the trench was completed.
"Great," said the village leader. "We have a trench that connects us to the river, but even a child knows that WATER CAN'T RUN UPHILL."
The minstrel, replied, "Watch." Starting at the top, he took his barrel of pickles and began to line one side of the trench with them, working his way down towards the river. To everyone's astonishment, when the last pickle was put into place, water from the river began flowing into the trench, up the hill, through the village, and back down the other side.
"It's a miracle," the villagers cried.
"It's magic," the village leader exclaimed.
"It's common knowledge," said the minstrel.
The ruler of the village offered a huge reward to anyone who could bring water to the village without taking several hours. All manner of complex engineering schemes were tried, but none were successful.
One day, a wandering minstrel happened upon the village and, seeing the villagers struggles, decided to help.
"Okay," said the minstrel, "the first thing you need to do is plant as many cucumbers as you can."
The villagers were confused by the instruction but, being desperate for a solution, they did as they were told and in a few months were rewarded with a bumper crop of cukes.
The minstrel took all the cucumbers, put them into a large barrel and began to pickle them.
"Now," said the minstrel, "I need a group of people to dig a trench. Start at the riverbank, go up the side of the hill and into the village. Then make a U-turn and go back down the other side of the hill and end a few yards downriver from where you started."
Again, the villagers were confused but compliant and, after several weeks the trench was completed.
"Great," said the village leader. "We have a trench that connects us to the river, but even a child knows that WATER CAN'T RUN UPHILL."
The minstrel, replied, "Watch." Starting at the top, he took his barrel of pickles and began to line one side of the trench with them, working his way down towards the river. To everyone's astonishment, when the last pickle was put into place, water from the river began flowing into the trench, up the hill, through the village, and back down the other side.
"It's a miracle," the villagers cried.
"It's magic," the village leader exclaimed.
"It's common knowledge," said the minstrel.
Spoiler
[MoM] Gort
Veteran XX
As as system admin, I have to remember a lot of different passwords so I use song titles and their release dates to keep them all straight. Today, however, I tried "Footloose84", "DangerZone86", and "ThisIsIt79" but none of them worked.
Spoiler
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$550!” she cried, “$550 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $550.”
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$550!” she cried, “$550 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $550.”
[MoM] Gort
Veteran XX
I'm learning the ancient art of Origami. My first attempts have been pretty bad, but my skills are in creasing.
[MoM] Gort
Veteran XX
There once was a tiny village surrounded by a massive wall. This afforded them exceptional protection from their enemies except for the gate, which was necessary for them to ship goods for trade. Many different materials and designs were tried, but neighboring villages always managed to find a way to breach their defenses.
Finally, the village came up with the perfect design: a massive construction of iron gears that interlocked in such a way as to make the gate impassible, unless someone was able to turn the unlocking wheel inside the wall. They were so proud of this design, they clad the entire structure in gold, making it even more impressive.
For many years, the gate held true, withstanding attacks from trebuchets, battering rams, and even crude explosives. But one day, the gate failed and the village was overrun.
How, you ask?
Finally, the village came up with the perfect design: a massive construction of iron gears that interlocked in such a way as to make the gate impassible, unless someone was able to turn the unlocking wheel inside the wall. They were so proud of this design, they clad the entire structure in gold, making it even more impressive.
For many years, the gate held true, withstanding attacks from trebuchets, battering rams, and even crude explosives. But one day, the gate failed and the village was overrun.
How, you ask?
Spoiler
[MoM] Gort
Veteran XX
In 1853, anyone who was anyone owned a watch made by "Tate's Finest." They were *the* premiere watchmaker in the country, if not the world, producing masterful time pieces for nearly 100 years. However, in 1854, hoping to capitalize on the migration of settlers to California, the watchmaker began producing compasses.
Unfortunately, this proved to be the company's ruination, putting them out of business in less than a year.
While the watches the company produced were top-notch, their compasses were not. California settlers relying on a Tate's-brand compass often found themselves drastically off-course, sometimes ending up in Canada or Mexico, prompting people to say:
Unfortunately, this proved to be the company's ruination, putting them out of business in less than a year.
While the watches the company produced were top-notch, their compasses were not. California settlers relying on a Tate's-brand compass often found themselves drastically off-course, sometimes ending up in Canada or Mexico, prompting people to say:
Spoiler
[MoM] Gort
Veteran XX
I took my Labrador Retrievers to the beach today and we were immediately attacked by seagulls.
I should have known better.
I should have known better.
Spoiler
[MoM] Gort
Veteran XX
This has been a tough week. I lost a bet and had to wear clown shoes to work every day, which was no small feat.
CriTTerMeTimbers
[MoM] Gort
Veteran XX
Op Parnokkity from Boston was, perhaps, the greatest piano tuner ever, his skill only exceeded by his pretentiousness. (He tended to refer to himself in the third person.)
One day he was called for a piano tuning from a wealthy, but exceedingly fussy client. “Please, PLEASE, come and tune my piano,” she said breathlessly. “You’re the only tuner in all Boston who can tune it right. I'll pay any price!” He was hesitant, because had heard how difficult the woman was to please, but being short on funds at the time, he agreed to try.
One the day of the appointment, he arrived bright and early. He had spent several days before practicing, ensuring his renowned "perfect pitch" was, well...perfect. For hours, he painstakingly and methodically ensured all 88 keys were in immaculate tune.
"God, Himself, could not outdo Op Parnokkity!", he boasted.
But, just as he feared, the woman called the very next day.
“I’m sorry,” she said, “but my piano simply isn’t tuned properly. You’ll have to come back and try again.”
Op sighed and said “I’m sorry, too, ma’am, but I cannot return.”
“And why not?!” the woman huffed.
One day he was called for a piano tuning from a wealthy, but exceedingly fussy client. “Please, PLEASE, come and tune my piano,” she said breathlessly. “You’re the only tuner in all Boston who can tune it right. I'll pay any price!” He was hesitant, because had heard how difficult the woman was to please, but being short on funds at the time, he agreed to try.
One the day of the appointment, he arrived bright and early. He had spent several days before practicing, ensuring his renowned "perfect pitch" was, well...perfect. For hours, he painstakingly and methodically ensured all 88 keys were in immaculate tune.
"God, Himself, could not outdo Op Parnokkity!", he boasted.
But, just as he feared, the woman called the very next day.
“I’m sorry,” she said, “but my piano simply isn’t tuned properly. You’ll have to come back and try again.”
Op sighed and said “I’m sorry, too, ma’am, but I cannot return.”
“And why not?!” the woman huffed.
Spoiler