No Laurie For Me (NLFM)

NoGodForMe said:
It's not that easy. You see, the house in Leesburg is 4 hours away from me. The parents are supposed to move back to where the kids are, but that never happened. They lived there from 2006 to 2018 and then both of them went bad at the same time. Mom had COPD, Dad had Dementia. My house is 2 stories and has stairs. The GF lives in a 2 bedroom condo. We can bring him there in an emergency, but not full time. I would either have to move up there and take over, which is a lot of work, or bring him home and buy a new single story house. Not putting him in a facility until the end (Hospice), they don't change his cloths and diaper enough.
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I see your problem. Not easy to solve. However...

Look for a large enough single story house or a tw story that is large enough to allow living spaces for your parents on the ground floor. You, GF and Ashley will need one bedroom each, on the 2nd floor if it's a two story house.

Sell your current house and let new GF move in with you. Rent her condo on Air BnB or similar. Don't let her sell it. If things go south she'll need to move back.

Just my 2 cents and good luck with everything. You're a good son and I think the new GF is lucky to have you.
 
The problem with having my dad on the 1st floor of a 2 story house, is the shower is on the 2nd floor. In my home, I have 2 bathrooms upstairs. One is a walk in shower, the other is a bath tub. Downstairs is only a half bath. My father gets a shower every other day. This is the other thing the facilities neglected, bathing my father.

When we would show up to visit, the workers would talk about bathing him, and changing his cloths, but it never happened, because we saw it on the camera. That's why most facilities won't allow cameras in the room. If you are there they'll put on a show talking about all the things they will do, but once you leave, they do nothing but the minimum. This is because it can take an hour to shower and change someone, and each caretaker at a facility has to deal with 10 people. So they don't bother changing the cloths and diapers as often as they should.
 
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All I can tell you is that having the ex in the middle of all of this is going to create issues. No doubt about it. Enough to potentially cost you the new GF who may just say "Yeah, fuck this". Then you will be hating on Laurie again.

But, remember, you are a man and you should take care of your remaining parent and control of the situation. Do the old man right. You will figure it out but try to get the L-Word out of your life. Or, she will up and leave you "again" fucked when she gives you zero day notice that she is moving for good. Or worse. Takes out her anger with you on the old guy.
 
laurie ain't leaving. new guy isn't buying. hope i'm wrong but in all honesty please be ready to do the needful. i didn't want to post this, but in some ways you might rightfully consider any continued enabling of her behavior detrimental to her development. some psych documentation has commentary regarding BPD - although BPD may be called something else now - "just tell them to fuck off. even if ur family"
 
Or just say, "I appreciate your assistance and I am eternally grateful for that but you and I both know we aren't exactly healthy for each other. So, I need to figure out how to take care of pop and let you get on with your pursuit of happiness while I find mine."
 
i love people who don't identify themselves stepping into conversation
Because we know why they don't identify themselves
quad
tell us about your broken life
since birth
 
It would be so convenient if ol' demented Pops would just shuffle off this mortal coil to free you from Laurie entrenching herself into your life.

The problem, as I see it, is to dump Laurie from caring for your father while still finding a way to provide him with adequate care.

Pops moving in with you and GF is not an option. It may be too much hassle to redesign your first floor half bath into a full bath. Or to install one of those stairway mechanical "riders" to help Pops get to and from the second floor. But if Pops lived with you, you may just get by with a caretaker visiting one hour per day to shower and attend to his personal needs.

Another option is to play the "Christian card" on Laurie. I know how you feel about religion. But it DOES have its uses. Next time you visit Pops for a week or so, visit some born again church in his area. Plea your case to find a suitable part time caretaker from this church. (Most churches are good about this.) Inform Laurie that she is being replaced by an "actual Christian caretaker." You can do this without going all Jesus yourself. True Christians are willing to help with no strings attached.
 
Any care for the father is going to cost an arm and a leg. The cost may only increase with time, but it will never decrease. That's a substantial expense that can and will be used to help NGFM's quality of life out when he becomes old like his father. I would have a deep aversion to Laurie if she was in my life, but this is no small responsibility to take on.

As for the new girl:

-Don't talk about finances beyond her knowing you are comfortable and stable.

-Do not do anything that would disrupt Ashley getting all of her inheritance from you.

-When you recall shit from your past when talking to new gf, just don't mention Laurie in old stories or anything. Don't ever talk about Laurie in front of the new girl ever unless you need to for plans ex, and even then have it be very dry like you're reading news headlines. Don't tell her what Laurie cooked that you enjoyed. Dont tell her what household items you have that Laurie picked out or got you as a present one year. Don't compare other women to Laurie even if its in a purely negative way.
 
Reggs said:
Any care for the father is going to cost an arm and a leg. The cost may only increase with time, but it will never decrease. That's a substantial expense that can and will be used to help NGFM's quality of life out when he becomes old like his father. I would have a deep aversion to Laurie if she was in my life, but this is no small responsibility to take on.

As for the new girl:

-Don't talk about finances beyond her knowing you are comfortable and stable.

-Do not do anything that would disrupt Ashley getting all of her inheritance from you.

-When you recall shit from your past when talking to new gf, just don't mention Laurie in old stories or anything. Don't ever talk about Laurie in front of the new girl ever unless you need to for plans ex, and even then have it be very dry like you're reading news headlines. Don't tell her what Laurie cooked that you enjoyed. Dont tell her what household items you have that Laurie picked out or got you as a present one year. Don't compare other women to Laurie even if its in a purely negative way.
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This is what I'm doing.

Hiring an agency is $23/hr and it's 3 shifts of 8 hours. Laurie thinks she should be paid that amount, but she lives there and my father sleeps through the night. The money paid to an agency can be written off on taxes as a medical expense and we've done that before. Regardless, someone has to be in the house with him 24/7 paying attention. The only time this person can sleep or do something else, is when my father is sleeping or taking a nap. He will sleep from 10pm to 8pm the next morning, and he takes a 4 hour nap from noon to 4pm. The hours vary but that's the gist of it.

Even with 2 diapers on, his pajamas and bed are wet in the morning, The bed has a pad, so the sheets get washed along with his pajamas. Then he gets wiped down while sitting on the toilet, new diaper, new cloths, sits in his chair in the living room. Every other day he gets a full shower.

I pay Laurie a certain amount of money each month, and she hires private caretakers to watch my father while she goes to the grocery store, or does activities (tennis, pickle ball, ping pong).

The caretakers from agencies are usually POC and they are LOUD. You don't know who is going to show up. It can all be written off on his taxes. The problem is, all they do is baby sit my father, bath him, and cook some food. The house has to be stocked with groceries and supplies. That's the big problem with hiring an agency with the house so far away. The caretakers from the agency did not get groceries or supplies. That's why I put my mom into the facility when my dad went there. It was too much to keep the house stocked with supplies and groceries. The caretakers from the agency would call me all the time with problems. So I keep Laurie there because she loves my father and handles everything even if it's not perfect.

When Laurie moved in up there, she watched my dad, talked to everyone in the neighborhood, and eventually found private caretakers to fill in. I would have to do similar if I took over. The only way I could do this is for me to move into the Leesburg house, or buy a single story house down here, and move into it with my father. If I moved to Leesburg, I would be giving up my life down here with the new GF, my bands, job, activities, everything. If I moved my dad down here it would be similar, I would be watching him 24/7 until I could find private caretakers. The caretakers usually work from 5-8 hours. They're not driving all the way to a house for 1 hour of work, it doesn't happen like that. Caretakers from an agency work in 8 hour shifts and they have to be scheduled in advance.
 
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i think another 1 of the myriad lessons of this thread is dont buy a house u wont b able to live in when ur 80

the upstairs shower is a big problem n for what trade off? so u dont have 2 run naked thru kitchen? big deal grow up humans have skin
 
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