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fraggle 06-22-2008 22:57

in this thread, i will post the life story of tribalwar's own gon
Gon was born on July 31, 1984 on an exhaustingly humid summer night in Sarnia, Ontario to Michele (a Librarian), and Ernie (a Chemist). Gon also has an older sister (Caitlyn) that was born in 1983.

As a young boy, Gon enjoyed doing things that young Canadian boys do, like chase after moose and suck out all the Maple Syrup from a ripe young sapling. As he grew older though, young Gon found an affinity to computers.

At the age of 6, Gon was introduced to his sister Caitlyn's shiny used Amiga 500 system. His interest piqued, and a short decade later, Gon began to play StarSiege: Tribes. For most of his Tribal career Gon was not blessed with a low ping, because high speed internet did not arrive in Canada until 2006, so Gon, making due with what he had, and his diverse horticultural background, learned how to Turret Farm. Gon was a great farmer, one of the best, but this is not where he made a name for himself in the community.

Gon got tired of red jacking in game constantly, so he diverted his attention to mapmaking, creating the revolutionary maps Gonrena, WalledIn and ArenaUnderTheHill for the mildly popular Arena MOD for Tribes.

It was around this time that GDL noticed Gon and recruited him to their Tribe. GDL was the sister tribe of {Zulu}, which was silently led by their best lacrosse player, {Zulu}Strega, who would later go on to be one of Gon's closest internet friends and confidants. On the GDL website, a then 16 year old Gon listed his "favourite" ice cream flavor as poop.

When GDL disbanded Gon found himself tribeless, and began to hang out in the IRC channel of a new tribe, The Sticks. The Sticks however never recruited Gon to join them due to his high ping and relatively low skill level. Through this channel, however, Gon met Kevin Fuhst, the tribesplayer then known as Nido-PIEr. Nido was a young recruit of the PIE tribe, and under the tutelage of Scooter-PIE and LOUDRamxes-PIE, was destined for tribal greatness...

Soon after becoming formally acquainted with young Nido-PIEr, Gon registered an account on the forums. Not really one for words, Gon mostly posted one-liners and picture parodies. Young Nido-PIEr was a suitable forum companion for Gon, because he was an amateur Microsoft Paint user, and knew how to cut and paste people's heads on the bodies of animals. With time, Nido-PIEr discovered a program called Adobe Photoshop, and began to get more creative with his picture parodies.

Finding himself spending hours on end on the internet, Gon decided to start collecting erotic pictures. Not just any pictures, though. Gon decided to collect pictures of penises. Big penises, small penises, black penises, hispanic penises, mexican penises, inuit penises, diseased penises, etc. With Gon's vast collection of assorted penises, and Nido-PIEr's advancing Photoshop knowledge, Gon was able to create his first forum signature, a picture of Jazmine with a collection of penises all around her face covering her hair.

Around this time, Gon and Nido got acquainted with a morbidly obese forum character named [KoV]fraggle.

[KoV]fraggle was making a name for himself in the community by calling people out on forums and starting trouble. fraggle enlisted the help of Nido to create some picture parodies for his threads, and Gon quickly aided the cause with his vast collection of penis pictures and technical know-how. Gon had recently downloaded the Anarchists Cookbook and was becoming quite the computer hacker. The three of them became fast friends, and when fraggle defected to the second coming of Tsunami, Nido and Gon quickly joined him there.

Around this time, a historic event in Gon's life happened: UVALAN3. For the first time in his life, Gon was entering the United States of America for a 2000 km trip from Sarnia, Ontario to Chantilly, Virginia with Michele, Ern, Caitlyn and their trusty Canadian Minivan, stocked full of perishables from Tim Horton's, and fueled by the finest engine grade maple syrup. Since Gon was only 16 at the time, the ruse of a family vacation was the only way he could convince his Amway-selling parents to venture 2000 km from the communal igloo.

At UVALAN3, Gon quickly met with and befriended fraggle, KoyCymru, and Guymelef. Gon was an odd boy, kind of quiet, a mumbler, but he mostly spoke in one liners, and they were typically amusing, much like his forum persona. Little did Gon know that his life would be in danger not once, but at least twice during the course of this epic gaming LAN.

At UVALAN3, Gon was minding his own business in the LAN room, playing in a public Tribes server, when the other players decided to vote him as the administrator of the server. In his first act as admin, Gon decided to ban some ****ing idiot named 12uff 12yda .e2. who had some retarded script that would voice spam whenever he grabbed or capped the flag. 12uff 12yda did not take well to being banned. In a bout of rage, 12uff 12yda scoured the LAN room yelling "WHERES GON!" "WHO THE **** IS GON!" at the top of his lungs. Young Gon sat still, and continued playing.

Eventually, 12uff 12yda approached Gon, and said to him "Are you ****ing GON?" Gon continued playing his game. 12uff 12yda, even more annoyed at being ignored, removed Gon's headphones and said "WHATS YOUR ****ING PROBLEM DUDE?" Gon glanced at 12uff 12yda, then continued playing his game. 12uff 12yda found this response unacceptable. 12uff 12yda turned off Gon's monitor, and said "SAY SOMETHING *******." Gon, as calm as a full moon on a warm summer's night, stared right up at 12uff 12yda and said "eat ****." 12uff 12yda, exasperated and in shock, yelled "WHAT DID YOU SAY????" Gon, without missing a beat, said "eat **** eat **** eat **** eat **** eat **** eat ****" and continued to repeat "eat ****" in his monotone robotic voice for approximately 2 minutes. fraggle approached 12uff 12yda and asked him if there was a problem, and 12uff 12yda finally gave up and ran off in a fit of rage. The LAN continued.

On the 2nd day of the LAN, Gon was hungry. Gon didn't have a car or a driver's license, so he decided to tag along with [KoV]Apothem, who was headed over to the local Wendy's franchise. This was not one of Gon's better ideas. Apothem, a known tweaker and pedophile, is not the best of drivers, and on unfamiliar roads, bad drivers become exponentially worse. On the way to Wendy's, Apothem jumped a curb into oncoming traffic and crushed a tire. Luckily, Gon survived this accident unscathed, and eventually managed to eat a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger. The LAN continued.

On the 3rd day of the LAN, Gon was returning to the LAN room from his Hotel room when fate intervened. An angry 12uff 12yda, simmering from his tournament team's earlier loss, caught Gon in the hotel lobby and pushed him into the phone booth area. Gon, calm and patient as always, just sort of stared at 12uff 12yda, waiting to see what he had in store for him. 12uff 12yda began yelling at Gon and threatening him, asking Gon if he felt so tough without his friends there to protect him, asking Gon why he wasn't so "chatty" in a 1 on 1 situation. As things were about to escalate, z2.bacardi, returning to the LAN room from his daily masturbatory session in the hotel room, discovered Gon being harassed by 12uff 12yda, and decided to get involved. Once again, 12uff 12yda ran off like a child, pointing his finger at Gon and saying something to the effect of "I'll get you yet, my pretty!!!" The LAN continued.

On the last day of the LAN, Caitlyn approached Gon in the hotel lobby, in clear view of Gon's new internet friends. Gon, enraged, told Caitlyn to go away and leave him alone! And she did. The LAN ended, and the 2000 km trek back to Sarnia, Ontario was largely uneventful.

When Gon returned to Sarnia, he returned as a man on a mission. Gon, armed with his new LAN memories, decided to take a more proactive approach in the community. Sick and tired of forum trolls such as Vlasic, Gon created a revolutionary program called "Forum Stalker" that would refresh the forum constantly, and post a random fact right after the troll would post. Due to the fact that Vlasic was posting nearly 100 times a day, the admins quickly caught on and banned Gon. This made Gon sad . Gon then decided to hack the Tribalwar Forums and replace the layout with that of every tribal hacker's best friend -- The Happy Flag. Finally, the nazi admins relented and unbanned Gon. Gon was happy again.

While reading the forums, Gon got sick and tired of reading about admin abuse on |5150| servers, so Gon did something about it. Gon hacked the |5150| servers with the help of ex-fat TF_Diox, and the two of them spread misery on the now defunct |5150| clan for a few weeks before their clueless functionally retarded leader "Buddy" sLaM caught on and banned them. Gon didn't mind being banned on the |5150| servers, **** those guys.

While pubbing one day on Cheater's Wayside, Gon saw |5150|slut using some retarded sniper taunt script that would spam a line of text with a voice message whenever his sniper rifle would kill someone. slut thought he was super exclusive for being the only person with such a script. In what seemed like minutes later, Gon released gonsnipe.cs to the public, parodying slut's stupid sniper taunts with messages like "[-o-] yer on gon camera" and the likes. slut was infuriated and stopped pubbing on any non |5150| server. Poor slut.

Gon wasn't done having fun yet, though. Some Eurofag released a celebration script which would continually loop local taunts. Gon took this script and sped it up, adding the most annoying voice taunts in the process. It was at this time that you couldn't join a Tribes Server without constantly hearing "DIP DIP DIP DIP DIP DIP DIP" coming from every Sam, Dick, and Nancy on every public server. Ahhh, progress.

With Gon's scripts spreading like wildfire, Gon decided to mix it up, and speed up a few other choice scripts. Gon experimented with speeding up z0dd's turret spam script, and discovered that if he spawned enough turrets fast enough, it would crash the server. So Gon did. But he only crashed the |5150| servers, and only in competitive matches against teams like |NuTz|.

It seemed like everyone in the Tribes Community knew of Gon, and while few spoke to him personally, he was revered and respected by the everyman.

Pretty soon, Tribes 1 was dying a slow death, and Tribes 2 had arrived. The arrival of Tribes 2 led to the demise of Gon's tribe, Tsunami. Tsunami's leadership of Lord PhoEnix and hardluck were busy working retail and smoking pot respectively, and could not be bothered to run a Tribes 2 operation. Gon decided to join his friends fraggle and Nido in the Knights of Volace (KoV) for Tribes 2, led by LordKermit, who was under a self imposed house arrest due to his Chronic Irritable Bowel Syndrome condition, coupled with his social awkwardness.

Gon's foray into Tribes 2 didn't last very long, as KoV was one and done on the ladder. KoV returned to Tribes 1 and Gon returned with them, a full fledged member of a former #1 tribe. As a member of KoV, Gon frequently scrimmaged with the tribe, but only played in maybe one match when absolutely no one else was available: mostly due to his poor Canadian internet connection, of course.

In his social life, Gon was about to graduate high school and embark on his collegiate adventures, but prior to his arrival at Carleton University in Ottawa, there was the small matter of UVALAN4. Once again, Gon convinced Ernie and Michele to drive the family minivan 2000km from Sarnia, Ontario to Chantilly, Virginia, for another fun filled LAN adventure.

This biographer did not attend UVALAN4, so all of the following stories are being told third or fourth hand and may or may not be entirely accurate.

Upon arriving at the Hotel, Gon was immediately approached by 12uff 12yda (now calling himself TSI), who took the opportunity to apologize for his behavior at UVALAN3, and offered a masculine embrace to young Gon, who accepted with glee. Since many of his old friends from UVALAN3 did not attend UVALAN4, young Gon was forced to retreat from his comfort zone and make some new friends. Because Gon wasn't much for words, he would simply insert himself into an area full of forum names he recognized, sit down, and have a drink or three.

At one point, while in the company of AkumA, Gon decided that he had had enough of AkumA's retarded behavior and decided to do something about it. Not one for words, Gon let his bladder do the talking, secreting 73 ounces of Canadian Urine into AkumA's jalopy (which months later exploded in front of him, as per forum lore). Later, back at the LAN, Gon was sitting in a drunken stupor admiring the rantings of his favorite recording artist Dee Snyder, when Midnj approached Gon and commented on the large urine stain in Gon's pants. Gon replied by giving Midnj the finger with a dumb smirk on his face, and this is the image most TribalWar members have burned into their heads when they think of the Notorious G.O.N.

After several days of drunken shenanigans, the LAN ended, and Gon was about to embark on his collegiate adventures.

After returning to Sarnia from UVALAN4, Gon started packing up his things and prepared for his next adventure -- Carleton University - Canada's Capital University . As a young Computer Science Major at Carleton, Gon created the revolutionary internet game Gonopoly, which unfortunately had some bugs that were never worked out. Gon's interest in Tribes waned, and he began to play a Half Life Mod called CounterStrike. Unfortunately, his College's high speed internet filtered out gaming packets leading him to constant connection drops and more red jacks. Gon the gamer just wasn't meant to be, so Gon decided to pass his time in more creative ways.

While a younger Gon focused his energy on collecting pictures of penises, this new collegiate Gon decided to start a collection of pictures of poop. Unsatisfied with simply sharing these pictures of poop to the public alone, Gon created a scrolling poop marquee which he posted regularly on the TribalWar Forums, until he was banned, yet again.

Holed away in his dorm suite one night, a drunken Swedish girl accidentally entered Gon's room. Gon, unsure if he was dreaming or not, approached the Swedish girl. The Swedish girl threw herself at Gon, and Gon, sensing that she was inebriated, rebuffed her advances, throwing her off out of his room while thinking to himself "Ewwww. Cooties."

The following semester Gon moved into a house where he was once again able to online game. Gon began to play Tribes 1 again, and the thought of a bi-coastal lan piqued his interests.

With news of the bicoastal LAN spreading, fraggle talked Gon into a road trip from Detroit (near his home base of Sarnia), to Los Angeles, with a stop in St. Louis to pick up the notorious |NH|-LoneWolf, who was now calling himself Glare, hoping to distance himself from the NovaHawk days. Early one morning Gon met fraggle in Detroit and the journey began.

Once Gon and fraggle arrived in Ellisville, Missouri (a homogenous trailer park west of St. Louis), Glare suggested that the three of them have lunch at a local Steak -n- Shake establishment. At this restaurant, it was suggested to Gon's waitress that Gon had recently been sprung from prison -- and thus the folklore of Gon began -- and the waitress seemed fascinated by Gon's ability to muster up the masculinity to order a Strawberry-Banana flavored milkshake, and devour it effortlessly, without once having his sexual preference questioned by his dining companions.

Gon would spend the entire trip in the passenger seat, because while he was 20 years old at the time, Gon had not yet secured a driver's license (too many hoes, too little time). After a day or two of driving, Gon arrived in Salt Lake City Utah where he met up with [HvC] Scuba who took Gon & friends on an impromptu tour of the city. Gon embarked down John Stockton Boulevard, turned on Karl Malone Lane, and had a group of Mormons try to convert him at the main Mormon Temple in downtown Salt Lake City. After his extensive tour of Salt Lake City, which took all of 3 hours, Gon hit the road again, hoping to reach Reno by nightfall.

While driving on Interstate 80 in Eastern Nevada, a stray Minivan caught Gon's attention, because it was occupied by two young semi-attractive females. Gon convinced Glare to drop his pants and show these young ladies the moon, and Glare did so. Gon was happy :sunny: . That night, Gon arrived at ScooBySnaCk's condo in Reno, Nevada. ScooBy was nice enough to prepare a steak for Gon, and Gon ate it joyfully.

A few days later, Gon arrived at TribalWars: West, in Century City, California. Gon immediately became acquainted with Noot, a young Marine stationed at Camp Pendleton. The next day, Nido arrived at the hotel, eager to meet with Gon for the very first time. Gon and Nido shared a warm embrace and Gon decided that they should go to eat some lunch. Nido suggested In-N-Out burger, and Gon agreed. Nido, despite living in Southern California, has absolutely no sense of direction and seemed to get lost while transporting Gon to In-N-Out. Eventually, Nido and Gon wound up at an In-N-Out Burger establishment in Inglewood, California, most famous for being shouted out to in a Snoop Dogg video. Suffice to say, Nido & Gon were the only white faces at this establishment, but that did not bother Gon in the least, because Gon loves all, and all love Gon.

Gon ordered his Double-Double with Fries to stay, and he sat there and ate his food, while tens of Black Americans eyed him; wondering what a skinhead whiteboy was doing in their neck of the woods, eating at their local eatery. Gon finished his food and returned to the LAN, never to see Nido again.

That night, Gon decided to get ****faced, so he convinced fraggle and Toddler to make a beer run, and they did. Upon their return, Gon proceeded to get inebriated beyond belief. Later that night, Gon returned to his hotel room to find Noot asleep on his Air Mattress. Gon tried to remove Noot from the vicinity, but Noot would not budge. Gon then urinated all over Noot, and Noot moved just enough so that Gon could get a good night's rest on his air mattress.

The next day, a group of tribers went to the Hotel restaurant for lunch with Gon. When Monkey_B saw Gon headed out of the LAN area, he followed Gon to the restaurant and sat next to Gon at the bar. Monkey_B offered Gon some fries, and when Gon declined, Monkey_B inquired as to "WHYYYYYYY" Gon didn't like him. Gon continued to eat. Monkey_B continued to whine.

Later that day, [POE]-ferret arrived at the LAN to take Gon and fraggle to a Los Angeles Dodgers baseball game. At the game, a group of Mexican hecklers threw a bobblehead doll at Gon, narrowly missing him and striking ferret, an ex-Army guy with a bad temper. ferret told the Wetbacks that if they even looked in his general direction again that he would have INS up their ass so hard that anyone in a 30 yard area named Juan would get deported. This amused Gon. The highlight of the game for Gon was when his hero, Canadian countryman Eric Gagne, entered the game. Gon was happy :) .

The LAN ended and the trip home was largely uneventful. When Gon arrived in Detroit, however, Ernie was not at the rendezvous point at the given time. Since Ernie did not have a cellular phone at the time, Gon waited alone at Bob's Big Boy in the Detroit area for upwards of 4 hours until Ernie arrived to pick him up. Ernie was questioned in detail at the border about his previous arrest for smuggling maple syrup, which explained the 4 plus hour delay.

With Gon finally resting back in Sarnia, another chapter in the Gon story ends.

When Gon returned to Carleton that Fall, he came to the stark realization that the Tribes Community as he knew it was no more, and that it was time to move on to a new game. Fueled by the poker craze, Gon began to play online poker with some friends he met on Dynamix IRC, namely JoeBooty, SweetBabyJ, marantz, Cavalier, and fraggle. They would collude in games on PokerStars and pool their earnings. When TribalWar decided to have a few 'community' poker tournaments, the group would still collude in those tournaments; and ended up with way more wins than losses in such events.

Due to fraggle's juvenile behavior, the group eventually broke, with marantz, the last hold out, finally stating to fraggle "you are a selfish and arrogant prick. you don't care about anybody but yourself. and gon." Gon began playing poker less and less, and focusing on his studies more and more.

One day in an applied psychology class, for the first time in his life, Gon spoke to a girl! Soon after they had sex, just once, and it wasn't great. Thus begins and ends the sex life of Gon to date.

With Gon set to graduate Carleton in a few months, he didn't seem to have any direction in his life, and the boredom of his online clique led fraggle to try to stir the pot a little. One day, fraggle called Gon's home number posing as a University Psychiatrist from Carleton, and spoke to Gon's father, Ernie. fraggle told Ernie that Gon was suffering from depression sparked by homoerotic thoughts, and let Ernie know that he was prescribing mood altering medication to Gon to help him cope with the pain. Ernie did not sound concerned, but thanked fraggle for the courtesy call.

When Gon found out about fraggle's 'little joke' he was not amused :shock: . Gon decided to cut all communications with the e-world and live as a hermit. To everyone's surprise, this did not bode well for Gon, and soon he was on internet speaking terms with all of his internet pals once again.

A few months passed, and Gabe decided it would be funny to call Gon's sister posing as Gon's boyfriend, stating that Gon had dumped him because he was afraid to come out of the closet. So Gabe called Caitlyn and cried to her on the phone for an hour. Caitlyn was very responsive and sympathetic to Gabe's plight. She understood that Gon had a problem expressing himself. After the call, Caitlyn let Gon know that "some creepy internet guy" had called her. Gon openly wondered if it was the "creepy internet guy" that had flown in from Edmonton to spend two weeks one summer in their house in Sarnia, but no, Caitlyn said, it was "some creepy internet guy claiming to be Gon's boyfriend." Gon was not amused :shock: .

When the time finally came for Gon to graduate, he had unfortunately failed a few low level courses and was forced to remain for an extra Summer Session.

Upon graduation from Carleton University with a Bachelors of Science degree, Gon decided to return to the family igloo on McGee Street in Sarnia, Ontario for a month before returning to Ottawa to start his 'working' life. One month turned into two, two months turned into three, and after eight months of living at home in Sarnia, Gon finally decided to do something. So he waddled over to the Canadian Department of Motor Vehicles, and at the ripe young age of 23, Gon was finally a licensed driver!

Gon is currently living at his parents' house in Sarnia, Ontario with no job prospects and no plans to move anywhere. Gon spends his days reverse engineering old Amiga code and playing XBOX 360 (gamertag: gonrad). The biggest decision in Gon's daily routine is "Should I eat some tasty Baby Bels, or Should I go to Tim Horton's?" More often than not, Gon ends up doing both.

**** all the haters, Gon is my buddy!

absent 06-22-2008 22:59

Odio 06-22-2008 23:03

This slot is for sale.


Schweik 06-22-2008 23:03


Walking_Man 06-22-2008 23:05

Looking forward to my next history installment.

fraggle 06-22-2008 23:14

wheres all the gon love?

Golazo 06-22-2008 23:16

i laughed @ the lacrosse line

n9ne 06-22-2008 23:16

gon gon give it to ya

HomeSlice 06-22-2008 23:17

gon is my hero

nigafool 06-22-2008 23:17

waiting for part 2

Somec 06-22-2008 23:18

gon was one goofy billy corgan looking guy when i met him at tw:w, but he was cool.

Phantred 06-22-2008 23:18

gon's forum stalker mIRC script never got the admiration it deserved.

i mean... he did it in irc scripting... SOCKETS. The he wrote the mIRC dialogs without the stardust gui, even took the time to include the forum smilies.

then, when any other unoriginal fagot on this forum would have chased someone like kurayami with it using stupid dead mother jokes, gon used a collection of random if not interesting facts.

If even %10 of the posters on this forum were anything like gon, this place would be pretty awesome.

SirBatesAlot 06-22-2008 23:20

gon's tears can cure cancer. too bad he never cries. ever

gon2 06-22-2008 23:22


dionysus 06-22-2008 23:22


Golazo 06-22-2008 23:25

gon2 06-22-2008 23:29

this thread sucks

fraggle 06-22-2008 23:30

part II
Part II

Soon after becoming formally acquainted with young Nido-PIEr, Gon registered an account on the forums. Not really one for words, Gon mostly posted one-liners and picture parodies. Young Nido-PIEr was a suitable forum companion for Gon, because he was an amateur Microsoft Paint user, and knew how to cut and paste people's heads on the bodies of animals. With time, Nido-PIEr discovered a program called Adobe Photoshop, and began to get more creative with his picture parodies.

Finding himself spending hours on end on the internet, Gon decided to start collecting erotic pictures. Not just any pictures, though. Gon decided to collect pictures of penises. Big penises, small penises, black penises, hispanic penises, mexican penises, inuit penises, diseased penises, etc. With Gon's vast collection of assorted penises, and Nido-PIEr's advancing Photoshop knowledge, Gon was able to create his first forum signature, a picture of Jazmine with a collection of penises all around her face covering her hair.

Around this time, Gon and Nido got acquainted with a morbidly obese forum character named [KoV]fraggle.

(to be continued)

iten 06-22-2008 23:30



that's nignog backwards


****ing racist

booty 06-22-2008 23:34

where is the part where gon gets mad cause one of his efriends calls his parents to say that he is suicidal and interested in boys?

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