so yesterday we had the navy birthday ball
lets start from the beginning
my date and i had been hanging out all day. we went to have lunch at some hole in the wall thai food place she loves. which was pretty good. except i probably shouldn't have ordered my meal to be a 10 in spice. the ranking is between one and ten, so yes i ordered the spiciest thing i could get.
i choked it down, but it was so hot it wasn't all that enjoyable. on the way home i get the bright idea we should stop at the liquor store and buy some booze to smuggle into the ball. its always fun to be slammed at navy functions. as we walk around, my date sees a bottle Dom Perignon and says we should get it. I had never had any so I said why not, and bought a $100 bottle of booze. Now this liquor store was pretty much all black people. on the way out i see a bottle of hypnotic and decide it will be funny to get that as well, along with some black and milds. Then WE could be the blackest people in the liquor store. so now i have Dom Perignon, Hypno, and Black and Milds. Sounds like a rap song.
fast forward to 4:30pm, the ball starts at 6pm. i realize i can't find my studs or cufflinks. of course i can never find them before i have to wear them
this happens EVERYTIME i wear that stupid uniform, i can never find my cufflinks or studs and i have to buy some. if only i had looked for them the day prior. oh well, so i hop in the car and race off to the mall.
5:20pm i get home after finding cufflinks, studs, and deciding to grab some new cologne and a couple undershirts.
my date calls and tells me shes ready. she had started getting ready at 2pm. its 5:20pm and i have yet to shower, shave, brush my teeth, prep my uniform, get dressed, and put on any smell good.
5:28pm, i am showered, shaved, teethbrushed, smell gooded, dressed in my uniform and ready to go. whats the difference between men and women? women are fucking the slowest creatures alive. 8 minutes, and i took my time making sure my hair looked nice.
unfortunely, i can't find any of my medals. DOH. I say fuck it, and hop in my car and head off to pick up my date. When I get her I realize not only did i forget my medals, but i forgot my wings. shit. oh well, i got a bottle of Dom, who needs wings and medals anyhow? so we race off to the ball
when we get there i come to another startling revelation. The uniform i was wearing...doesn't exist anymore. the invitation said "mess dress"
at the naval academy, our mess dress looks like a tux, with gold cumberbun, and our rank is worn on our shoulders. I had my LTJG (O-2) rank on my shoulders, however in the real navy they don't wear shoulder boards and they get their rank sewn onto the cuffs of their jacket.
so yes, i'm there in a uniform that existed at the academy, but not at all in the real navy. how the fuck was i supposed to know that? i didn't get the memo. So i'm in my very own unique uniform that no one else has, lovely. did i mention there were admirals and congressmen there? oh well.
so i say fuck it, if i'm gonna look dumb, i'm going to do it in style
so i carry in the Dom Perignon and black and milds.
we mingled, my friends laughed at me, i laughed at me. the CO and XO laughed at me. what a great start to a great night eh? then i realize the bar is cash only, and the place we were at didn't have an ATM. So now my date is buying the drinks for us. What a great date I am. I feel fucking retarded at this point. but she seems to take it well.
so we get to our table, open the Dom, and drink it with dinner. I've been to many many navy functions, and this one wasn't going to be a fun one. So right after dinner i ask my date if she wants to boogey out just before the guest speaker starts to put everyone to sleep.
she agrees, and we sneak out.
i'm obviously not going to go party downtown in my clown suit, but she's gonna stick with her dress, so no big deal. So we are driving to my place so i can change real fast.
half way home i realize I HAVE TO POOP. BAD
yes...those fucking Thai people and their fucking spicy laxative food. this isn't going to be pretty.
my stomach is grumbling as i get off the highway, my apartment complex is in site! a bead of sweat drips off my nose...its starting to hurt and i'm doing my best to hold in the farts. I non-chalantly tell my date, "i have to go to the bathroom and pee, so i'm just going to pull up to my door instead of parking in a spot." she says "ok." i sigh in relief.
OH SHIT, they FIXED the fucking GATE in front of my apartment complex. It has been broken for 3 months, and they just NOW fixed it? i start fumbling around in my middle console for the gate opener...my stomach is cramping up and the farts are begging to seep out. at any moment i might soil my uniform...holy shit.
the gate slowly creeps open and i SLAM on the gas pedal as soon as my tahoe can squeeze through. I peel out around the parking lot and zoom up to my apartment door. Before my date has her door open, i am out of the car and unlocking the front door as hastily as i can. as i get it open i hear her say something to the extent of "do you want me to..." and i just fired back "do anything you want, i'll be back in a bit!" and i sprinted to my bathroom
i slammed both doors closed, locked them, and was almost in tears and i fumbled with my cumberbun. then i decided to turn on the shower and sink and fan for good measure.
now this is all in slow motion to me now. i'm unzipping my pants, ass facing toilet, about to have the biggest relief of my life. and i swear, the shit was spewing out of my butt before i had even sat down. it was as if my butt was throwing up too. it was loud, it was smelly, and it was HOT. My ass was BURNING
those FUCKING Thais and their fucking spice.
10 minutes later i come out of the bathroom half in my unform with an utter look of relief on my face. i don't know if my date was disgusted or not, i didn't look and i didn't care. i felt SOOOOOOOOO much better.
so i changed and we headed out
we went to LIT and sat down and began to drink. my date wasn't all that talkative, but i could imagine why. and i was too drained to try and lighten to mood so i just sucked down the double red bull and vodka until a bunch of my friends showed up after having dinner (not navy guys) and they proposed the idea to go to Pure. my date liked the idea so we left. sure enough when we get there, i realize i had left my ATM card in my uniform jacket.
FUCKING BRILLIANT. Now my date had to pay my cover charge
here's where it gets weird.
she pays for both of us, and as we walk in says "thats it, i'm walking home"
I am utterly shocked.
i follow her to the door and say "what's wrong?"
she says "i didn't expect to go on a date and pay for everything."
HOLY SHIT
story break, at this point in time let me address how much money she has really spent, and how much money i have really spent.
her:
2 beers and a wine at the ball: $10
hers and my cover charge at pure: $14
total: $24
me:
thai lunch: $23
Dom Perignon: $115
Hypnotic: $16
black and milds: $3
2 tickets to navy ball: $80
Tab at LIT: $41
me almost shitting myself: pricess
total: $278
she hadn't spent DICK, and i had almost dropped nearly $300 on ONE date. Not to mention, the last time we hung out was a month ago at the fair where i spent $300 winning her retarded stuffed animals and buying her beers and food
i swallow my anger and walk outside with her to talk to her. i apologize for forgetting my ATM card, and apologize for the entire evening. Even though it had been pretty good up until this point and i didn't understand her attitude.
I offer to walk her home and i do, seeing as how she lives like 3 blocks away, no big deal.
i take her to her door, apologize, and walk back to pure where my friends are. on the walk i delete her number. i might have drunk dialed her later in a rage if i still had it, so i took preoper precautions. and besides, high maintenence girls can suck my dick. if you're a girl and you're high maintenence, suck my dick, bitch.
i'm being serious, it isn't going to suck itself.
lets start from the beginning
my date and i had been hanging out all day. we went to have lunch at some hole in the wall thai food place she loves. which was pretty good. except i probably shouldn't have ordered my meal to be a 10 in spice. the ranking is between one and ten, so yes i ordered the spiciest thing i could get.
i choked it down, but it was so hot it wasn't all that enjoyable. on the way home i get the bright idea we should stop at the liquor store and buy some booze to smuggle into the ball. its always fun to be slammed at navy functions. as we walk around, my date sees a bottle Dom Perignon and says we should get it. I had never had any so I said why not, and bought a $100 bottle of booze. Now this liquor store was pretty much all black people. on the way out i see a bottle of hypnotic and decide it will be funny to get that as well, along with some black and milds. Then WE could be the blackest people in the liquor store. so now i have Dom Perignon, Hypno, and Black and Milds. Sounds like a rap song.
fast forward to 4:30pm, the ball starts at 6pm. i realize i can't find my studs or cufflinks. of course i can never find them before i have to wear them
this happens EVERYTIME i wear that stupid uniform, i can never find my cufflinks or studs and i have to buy some. if only i had looked for them the day prior. oh well, so i hop in the car and race off to the mall.
5:20pm i get home after finding cufflinks, studs, and deciding to grab some new cologne and a couple undershirts.
my date calls and tells me shes ready. she had started getting ready at 2pm. its 5:20pm and i have yet to shower, shave, brush my teeth, prep my uniform, get dressed, and put on any smell good.
5:28pm, i am showered, shaved, teethbrushed, smell gooded, dressed in my uniform and ready to go. whats the difference between men and women? women are fucking the slowest creatures alive. 8 minutes, and i took my time making sure my hair looked nice.
unfortunely, i can't find any of my medals. DOH. I say fuck it, and hop in my car and head off to pick up my date. When I get her I realize not only did i forget my medals, but i forgot my wings. shit. oh well, i got a bottle of Dom, who needs wings and medals anyhow? so we race off to the ball
when we get there i come to another startling revelation. The uniform i was wearing...doesn't exist anymore. the invitation said "mess dress"
at the naval academy, our mess dress looks like a tux, with gold cumberbun, and our rank is worn on our shoulders. I had my LTJG (O-2) rank on my shoulders, however in the real navy they don't wear shoulder boards and they get their rank sewn onto the cuffs of their jacket.
so yes, i'm there in a uniform that existed at the academy, but not at all in the real navy. how the fuck was i supposed to know that? i didn't get the memo. So i'm in my very own unique uniform that no one else has, lovely. did i mention there were admirals and congressmen there? oh well.
so i say fuck it, if i'm gonna look dumb, i'm going to do it in style
so i carry in the Dom Perignon and black and milds.
we mingled, my friends laughed at me, i laughed at me. the CO and XO laughed at me. what a great start to a great night eh? then i realize the bar is cash only, and the place we were at didn't have an ATM. So now my date is buying the drinks for us. What a great date I am. I feel fucking retarded at this point. but she seems to take it well.
so we get to our table, open the Dom, and drink it with dinner. I've been to many many navy functions, and this one wasn't going to be a fun one. So right after dinner i ask my date if she wants to boogey out just before the guest speaker starts to put everyone to sleep.
she agrees, and we sneak out.
i'm obviously not going to go party downtown in my clown suit, but she's gonna stick with her dress, so no big deal. So we are driving to my place so i can change real fast.
half way home i realize I HAVE TO POOP. BAD
yes...those fucking Thai people and their fucking spicy laxative food. this isn't going to be pretty.
my stomach is grumbling as i get off the highway, my apartment complex is in site! a bead of sweat drips off my nose...its starting to hurt and i'm doing my best to hold in the farts. I non-chalantly tell my date, "i have to go to the bathroom and pee, so i'm just going to pull up to my door instead of parking in a spot." she says "ok." i sigh in relief.
OH SHIT, they FIXED the fucking GATE in front of my apartment complex. It has been broken for 3 months, and they just NOW fixed it? i start fumbling around in my middle console for the gate opener...my stomach is cramping up and the farts are begging to seep out. at any moment i might soil my uniform...holy shit.
the gate slowly creeps open and i SLAM on the gas pedal as soon as my tahoe can squeeze through. I peel out around the parking lot and zoom up to my apartment door. Before my date has her door open, i am out of the car and unlocking the front door as hastily as i can. as i get it open i hear her say something to the extent of "do you want me to..." and i just fired back "do anything you want, i'll be back in a bit!" and i sprinted to my bathroom
i slammed both doors closed, locked them, and was almost in tears and i fumbled with my cumberbun. then i decided to turn on the shower and sink and fan for good measure.
now this is all in slow motion to me now. i'm unzipping my pants, ass facing toilet, about to have the biggest relief of my life. and i swear, the shit was spewing out of my butt before i had even sat down. it was as if my butt was throwing up too. it was loud, it was smelly, and it was HOT. My ass was BURNING
those FUCKING Thais and their fucking spice.
10 minutes later i come out of the bathroom half in my unform with an utter look of relief on my face. i don't know if my date was disgusted or not, i didn't look and i didn't care. i felt SOOOOOOOOO much better.
so i changed and we headed out
we went to LIT and sat down and began to drink. my date wasn't all that talkative, but i could imagine why. and i was too drained to try and lighten to mood so i just sucked down the double red bull and vodka until a bunch of my friends showed up after having dinner (not navy guys) and they proposed the idea to go to Pure. my date liked the idea so we left. sure enough when we get there, i realize i had left my ATM card in my uniform jacket.
FUCKING BRILLIANT. Now my date had to pay my cover charge
here's where it gets weird.
she pays for both of us, and as we walk in says "thats it, i'm walking home"
I am utterly shocked.
i follow her to the door and say "what's wrong?"
she says "i didn't expect to go on a date and pay for everything."
HOLY SHIT
story break, at this point in time let me address how much money she has really spent, and how much money i have really spent.
her:
2 beers and a wine at the ball: $10
hers and my cover charge at pure: $14
total: $24
me:
thai lunch: $23
Dom Perignon: $115
Hypnotic: $16
black and milds: $3
2 tickets to navy ball: $80
Tab at LIT: $41
me almost shitting myself: pricess
total: $278
she hadn't spent DICK, and i had almost dropped nearly $300 on ONE date. Not to mention, the last time we hung out was a month ago at the fair where i spent $300 winning her retarded stuffed animals and buying her beers and food
i swallow my anger and walk outside with her to talk to her. i apologize for forgetting my ATM card, and apologize for the entire evening. Even though it had been pretty good up until this point and i didn't understand her attitude.
I offer to walk her home and i do, seeing as how she lives like 3 blocks away, no big deal.
i take her to her door, apologize, and walk back to pure where my friends are. on the walk i delete her number. i might have drunk dialed her later in a rage if i still had it, so i took preoper precautions. and besides, high maintenence girls can suck my dick. if you're a girl and you're high maintenence, suck my dick, bitch.
i'm being serious, it isn't going to suck itself.
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shitty night, but you made pretty good of it