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[MoM] Gort
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Old
41 - 12-02-2016, 10:20 AM
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I got a new whiteboard installed in my office today.

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Nmag
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Old
42 - 12-02-2016, 05:20 PM
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Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no eye deer
 
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Plasmatic
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Old
43 - 12-26-2016, 10:48 AM
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On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with pecans and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, and one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery."

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I just heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls."

The man said. "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"

When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.

The old man whispered, "Boy, you, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see the devil himself."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.
 
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Zulu
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Old
44 - 12-26-2016, 01:19 PM
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You should be PUNished for that story
 
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[MoM] Gort
VeteranXV
Old
45 - 02-03-2017, 02:16 PM
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I normally shy away from political posts, but I couldn't just let this one go. I heard that President Trump just signed an executive order that requires the DHS to station cows all long the United States - Mexico border.

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[MoM] Gort
VeteranXV
Old
46 - 02-17-2017, 09:39 AM
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I had the *weirdest* experience yesterday. It was a tough day at work so I stopped off at a pub to have drink. The pub was completely empty except for the bartender and myself, which was strange in its own right since it was still Happy Hour, but I didn't think much of it. I sat down at the bar and ordered a beer.

As I took the first sip, I heard a chorus of tiny voices say, "Nice shirt!"

But there was no one nearby. I was alone and the bartender was busily washing mugs at the other end of the bar.
Chalking it up to work stress, I muttered something to myself about "hearing voices" and took another long drink of my beer.

"Nice tie, too", said the voices.

Frantically, I called the bartender over.

"Hey," I said, "it's just you and me in here right?"

The bartender gave me a bit of side-eye. "Yes? What about it?"

"I'm wondering if maybe there's something wrong with my beer. Every time I take a drink, I hear voices," I said.

More side-eye from the bartender. "Oh, really?" he said sarcastically.

"Yes! Just watch!"

I took another long sip of my beer and heard, "I really like your jacket, too."

The bartender rolled his eyes.

"Oh that," he said.

Spoiler
 
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[MoM] Gort
VeteranXV
Old
47 - 02-24-2017, 09:47 AM
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Thinking better outside the box doesn't mean you're clever.

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GreasyBoy
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Old
48 - 02-24-2017, 04:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by [MoM] Gort View Post
Thinking better outside the box doesn't mean you're clever.

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I resemble that remark.

However...sometimes I simply get clammy hands and need to air them out a bit.

Masturbation typically ensues upon completion of said drying activities, and upon returning to my lair.



Oh...and...

Set Phazer To Pun!!!
I mean...
...pet lasers are fun!
---
I mean...
...fat laserz...from--->RUN!
- - -
I mean...
set faders to "none!"
---
NOW WE'RE ROCKIN'!!!

°***8734;°

σΏσ
-sup Gort
(-:-)
 
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[MoM] Gort
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Old
49 - 03-03-2017, 10:25 AM
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Two lions walk into a bar and order a beer. The barmaid looks at them and immediately begins to berate them.

"A beer?! Look you mangy felines, we don't serve tigers, we don't serve bears, and we DAMN sure don't serve lions! Get out you wastes of space!!"

One of the lions, enraged, leaps on the barmaid and eats her.
A few minutes later, while the lions are sitting at the bar enjoying their beer, the first lion turns to the second and says, "Man, this beer is really going to my head. I feel dizzy and sleepy."

"It's not the beer," says the other lion.

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GreasyBoy
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Old
50 - 03-03-2017, 09:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by [MoM] Gort View Post
Two lions walk into a bar and order a beer. The barmaid looks at them and immediately begins to berate them.

"A beer?! Look you mangy felines, we don't serve tigers, we don't serve bears, and we DAMN sure don't serve lions! Get out you wastes of space!!"

One of the lions, enraged, leaps on the barmaid and eats her.
A few minutes later, while the lions are sitting at the bar enjoying their beer, the first lion turns to the second and says, "Man, this beer is really going to my head. I feel dizzy and sleepy."

"It's not the beer," says the other lion.

Spoiler
Ah! Clever.
Barbituates + Alcohol = Death.

The "Bar *****" bit stumped me for a bit.
 
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[MoM] Gort
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Old
51 - 07-07-2017, 10:19 AM
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I don't understand the appeal of strip clubs. I've been to several and it's always the same old thong and dance.
 
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GreasyBoy
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52 - 07-07-2017, 10:41 AM
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Nice.
 
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BeLiaL
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Old
53 - 07-07-2017, 06:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by T-Dawg View Post
A friend of mine had his whole left side amputated nearly a year ago. He struggled and suffered through many, many infections.

But he's all right now.

Sent from my Ellipsis 7 using TalkaTap
Probably bc he has nothing left
 
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hastie
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Old
54 - 07-07-2017, 06:36 PM
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I thought this one up this week after my grandfather died and funeral **** was on my mind.

"A notoriously bad stage actor died recently. The vehicle carrying his casket broke down on the way to the burial site. This allowed his critics, for one last time, to state that he needed to rehearse."
 
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T-Dawg
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Old
55 - 07-07-2017, 09:40 PM
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O that one got me. >_<
 
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[MoM] Gort
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Old
56 - 07-14-2017, 10:54 AM
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I found out today that orcas are actually dolphins. They just do a killer whale impression.
 
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hastie
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Old
57 - 07-14-2017, 09:48 PM
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someone posted this joke in r/jokes and I thought my response was decent.

Joke was this:

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

People started making bread related puns. I responded with:
Fortunately, I have just started a business that glues dogs back together. We specialize in bulk orders. If you have us glue 20 dogs back together, we will glue ten free.
 
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TechnoDonut
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Old
58 - 07-15-2017, 09:22 AM
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
Spoiler


What do you call a deer with no eyes and no balls?
Spoiler


What do you call deer with no eyes, no balls, and no legs?
Spoiler


*edit* What the **** I came here to post this, and someone already had... what are the odds?
 
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amRam
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Old
59 - 07-15-2017, 09:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TechnoDonut View Post
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
Spoiler


What do you call a deer with no eyes and no balls?
Spoiler


What do you call deer with no eyes, no balls, and no legs?
Spoiler


*edit* What the **** I came here to post this, and someone already had... what are the odds?
What are the odds there is someone here just as dumb as you?
 
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TechnoDonut
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Old
60 - 07-15-2017, 09:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amRam View Post
What are the odds there is someone here just as dumb as you?
Now-a-days? Quite high.
 
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