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Plasmatic
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21 - 09-16-2016, 12:54 AM
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Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were good friends. Larry was a nice, law abiding, charitable crustacean. Sam was on most days a dirt bag bivalve. Well, Sam gets his and winds up way downstairs. A few years later Larry passes on and arrives at the Pearly Gates. Because he was such a good guy, not only is he given the standard equipment - wings, halo, harp -, he's granted one wish. He decides he'd like most of all to see his old friend, Sam, again. Hey presto, he's in hell where he meets Sam who is running a disco. They spend the day together, then Larry goes back to heaven. When he arrives at the Gates, St Pete asks him, "Larry, haven't you forgotten something?" Larry answers, "Oh goodness, I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco."
 
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Plasmatic
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22 - 09-16-2016, 01:02 AM
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It was a rare, bright, sunny day in the Scottish Highlands, and John Smith was enjoying his holiday, exploring the beautiful landscape.

He paused for a moment, leaning against a stone wall and taking a long drink from his water bottle.

As he stood, there, taking in the scenery, an older gentleman in a wax jacket, with a border collie at his heel approached and wished him a good afternoon. John nodded a greeting and took another drink. "Beautiful day for it" he said. "Aye, that it is, that it is." the man replied. After a short silence, he spoke again. "Ya see this here wall, laddie?" John indicated that, yes, he could indeed see the very wall he was leaning on. "This wall, laddie, it stretches for five miles, right tae the border of the McAngus property. And I built the whole thing wi' me own bare hands. "But do they call me Hamish the wall builder? No, they dinnae." John wasn't sure how to respond to this, so he merely shrugged and said "I see". Hamish continued.

"You see the barn over yonder? I built that barn with me own two hands when the previous one was taken down in the great storm of '86. I built the previous one as well." "With your own bare hands?" interjected John. "Aye laddie, aye! Wi' me own bare hands. But do they call me Hamish the barn builder? Nae, laddie, they dinnae."

He pointed to the coast. "On a clear day such as this, ya ought to be able to see the wee jetty at the end of the road down there." John indicate that, yes, he could just about make out the jetty. "I built that jetty wi' me own two hands, and three others like it hereabouts. "But do they call me Hamish the jetty builder? Nae, they dinnae."

"The jetties, the barns. They was built wi' timber I cut my own self from the forest over yonder. I felled the trees, hauled them oot o' the forest, cut them intae planks. "But do they call me Hamish the tree feller?" "I don't suppose they do?" ventured John. "You'd suppose right laddie."

Hamish sighed a deep, mournful sigh.

"But ya shag one sheep..."
 
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Plasmatic
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Old
23 - 09-16-2016, 01:04 AM
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There was once a family of vultures: a mom, a dad, and a child. Every day, the parents would go out to the desert, find something dead, and bring it back, and they would all eat happily.

One day, the child said to his parents, "I don't want to eat meat anymore. My friend the rabbit gave me some fruit, and it was the best thing ever! I want to start eating plants."

The father was outraged. "No son of mine will eat plants!" But the mother followed him as he stormed away.

"Dear, we have a good son. He's just a little confused. We should let him have some plant food if he really wants it, it's just a phase."

"Well, alright," said the father. "I'll bring some meat, you go out and get some--eeuugh!--vegetables, or something."

The mother flew over the nearby town for a few hours. She found a carrot first, but it slipped through her fingers. It was too thin. Same with cucumbers and bean sprouts. Tofu didn't work at all. She finally managed to hold onto a can of peas.

The two came back home. The child turned his nose up at the roadkill armadillo his father brought, but was overjoyed when his mother dropped the can of peas on a rock, breaking it open.

"Thank you, mom!" But as he started for the food, his dad blocked his way.

"I don't understand you, kid, and I think you're making a mistake. Vultures need protein. Before eating that rabbit food, have some armadillo. Do it for your old man."

"But dad, I don't want to eat dead animals!"

"Carrion, my wayward son. There'll be peas when you are done."
 
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Plasmatic
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Old
24 - 09-16-2016, 01:06 AM
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So it was junior year in high school and we were 10 weeks into the year. I was sitting in my PreCalculus class waiting for the period to start when two new asian kids showed up - a boy and a girl. When the tardy bell rang, the teacher introduced the two of them. They were fraternal twins that just moved in from China a couple of days ago. This was their first time in America. The boy - who took the seat behind me - was named Ving, and his sister was Ling. The class let out a few chuckles after hearing the names, but it died down quickly and class started. Ving and I talked for a bit. He was pretty chill and his English was surprisingly good. We became pretty good friends and would help each other out with homework fairly often. His sister on the other hand was the complete opposite. Uptight, prude, and had a stick so far up her ass that I swear you could see the end in her mouth. You get the picture.

Anyways, school goes on for a couple weeks and I hang out with Ving regularly. We got to talking in my PreCalc class as we normally do.

"You know friend, after we moved to America, I never really liked my name. It is so uncommon and people never seem to just accept it. I wish I had cool Chinese name, like Lee, like Bruce Lee!"

"I mean, I could drive you down to the courthouse after school if you want. It's really no big deal. I think it's only like twenty bucks or something."

"Oh, yes! That would be very great, thank you!"

Now, Ling overheard our little exchange and confronted us about it after class. She was practically yelling at us in the middle of the hallway. Turns out 'Ving' was a family name. Something to do with the first son of the first son, how can you dishonor our tradition, have you no shame, yadda yadda yadda or something or other, I wasn't really paying much attention. I didn't really think she would get so uppity. From the stories Ving told me, he was a city boy. You know, more progressive than traditional. Guess that doesn't run in the family. Long story short, Ling demanded that she come with us so that she can try to stop Ving from going through with the name change. We conceded and let her come along for the ride.

After school, we met up in the parking lot and headed off to the courthouse. When we entered, Ving approached the clerk's desk and asked for the appropriate papers. They made him pay the processing fee up front for some reason and then handed him a stack of, like, 10 pages. We sat there for almost half an hour as Ving filled out page after page. But as he approached the end of the process, he started to have second thoughts. Apparently tradition runs deep. He started crying and hating himself, wondering how in the world he could let himself get this far. He wouldn't stop apologizing to his sister, or at least I'm pretty sure that's what he was doing. He was only speaking in Chinese at that point.

Ving gathered up all of the papers and approached the desk to return and void the forms. The lady said that there was an 'unprocessing fee' (stupid small town laws) that was also twenty dollars. Ling said that she was so glad Ving made the right decision that she offered to pay for him. She pulled out her wallet and reached out her hand to give the clerk the money. But before she could make the exchange, out of nowhere, the doors burst open and a fifty-something year old Asian man rushed in wearing a Hawaiian shirt, American flag embroidered pants, and Oakley shades. You can tell by the smell of freedom and fireworks that this man has gone through some shocking cultural journey. I could only assume it was their father, because he ran up to us and started yelling at the two twins:

"Don't! Stop! Be Lee, Ving! Hold on to that fee, Ling!"
 
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[MoM] Gort
VeteranXV
Old
25 - 09-16-2016, 09:50 AM
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We have some strange laws in Texas:

In Austin it's illegal to carry wire cutters in your pocket. Get caught, and the police officer is liable to get snippy with you.

In Houston, it's illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday, which stinks.

And finally, in Dallas, it's illegal to wear clothes out of paper. We don't take kindly to rustlers.
 
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T-Dawg
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26 - 09-16-2016, 03:17 PM
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A friend of mine had his whole left side amputated nearly a year ago. He struggled and suffered through many, many infections.

But he's all right now.

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Scud411
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Old
27 - 09-16-2016, 07:20 PM
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Captain Tele
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Immigrant
Old
28 - 09-16-2016, 07:23 PM
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that is a teeth brush

not a tooth brush
 
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[MoM] Gort
VeteranXV
Old
29 - 09-23-2016, 09:29 AM
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A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Every day, as worker bees do, they would go out into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey.
The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Finally, the bees got tired of it.
Being the intelligent bees that they are, they built an alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees will hear from the fields, and then the bees can come back to protect their home.
There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job, and he was aptly named the "Lever Bee." His job was to watch for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the alarm.
Now obviously, the security of the hive depends on this one Lever Bee. So he has to be constantly ready and on the alert to be able to do his job.

And that, friends, is why people say,
Spoiler


(And for those of you who say LEE-ver, instead of LEH-ver...)

While the alarm worked great, there was a fatal flaw found the first time they used it. While it did bring home the bees that were foraging in the fields, they still had the same problem getting bees out of the hive in large numbers. The Lever Bee pondered this problem, then came up with a solution: a second lever would be constructed to open a number of secret exits, drastically increasing the number bees that could quickly leave the hive and ward off intruders. To avoid confusion, they determined that each lever should be constructed of a different material. It was quickly decided that the alarm lever should be made of metal, while the bee lever would be made of wood.

Yes, that's right.
Spoiler
 
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Last edited by [MoM] Gort; 09-23-2016 at 10:50 AM.
[MoM] Gort
VeteranXV
Old
30 - 09-30-2016, 10:07 AM
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Once upon a time, there was a land that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred, and casualties were fierce. Tired of rebuilding their kingdoms after each war, they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions, on an island in the middle of the lake, with the winning kingdom becoming the seat of power in the land.

The first, being rich and influential, sent twenty Knights, and thirty squires, with many horses and wagons laden with food and wine. The second, being well-off, sent ten knights and twenty squires, as well as several wagons of food and drink. However, the last kingdom had but one knight, who was very aged and rather decrepit, and had only one squire. They brought with them a single iron pot and a horse with food enough for the journey.

The first evening, much revelry was had - wine was shared and spilled in equal measure, great haunches of meat were roasted and cut, and all manner of tales were told. Being wise due to his advanced years, the old knight counseled foodstuffs should be moved off the ground, as the island was home to many rats, some of which could spread plague.

The Knights and squires of the first and second kingdoms disregarded his advice, saying "Pfah! What does he know? We are so many, no rats would dare bother us!"

But the squire of the third kingdom listened attentively to his old knight and hauled their old iron pot on a rope over a branch, preventing the rats from finding it.

In the morning, all the warriors of the first two kingdoms were ill, finding rat droppings in their food and sleeping-things, and several of them could barely even stand, let alone fight, so it was agreed to postpone the tournament until the next day.

That night, the partying was subdued, but still jubilant. Old grudges were settled by the fireside, tales of heroism told and retold, and many casks of wine were emptied and tossed aside.

Again, the old knight counseled the gathered warriors. He warned them that bandits had long preyed on dwellers of this island, making off with any valuables they could. "Pfah! What does the old man know?" They cried, well into their cups. "Surely, no bandit would trouble such an assembled group of warriors!"

But the lone squire from the third kingdom listened intently to his wise old master and hung a noose beside their pot, still dangling from the tree, so that bandits might see the penalty for troubling them and be warned away.

The day of the tournament came, and the Knights and squires of the first and second kingdoms emerged from their tents to find their fine armour and weapons stolen in the night by bandits. Amazed, they hunted around, but for naught. Even their horses were stolen. The Knights, still sickened, could not fight at all and only a very few of their squires had the skill to craft cudgels with which to do battle.
But the crafty squire of the third kingdom had warned bandits away, so his battered old pot helm, coat of metal plates, and dented old sword were still safe in his tent.

He took to the field under the gaze of his master, and although the other squires allied against him, he defeated those who were well and well-armoured enough to fight him.

And what's the moral to this story?
Spoiler
 
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[MoM] Gort
VeteranXV
Old
31 - 10-07-2016, 10:02 AM
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What you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Spoiler
 
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T-Dawg
VeteranX
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32 - 10-07-2016, 11:25 AM
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What's worse than being a racist?

Being a ******.

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TechnoDonut
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Old
33 - 10-07-2016, 06:23 PM
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Did you hear about the circus fire?

Spoiler
 
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Lozza Mate
VeteranXV
Old
34 - 10-07-2016, 07:57 PM
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I can't stand housekeepers - they really give me the sheets.
 
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T-Dawg
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35 - 10-07-2016, 08:05 PM
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When it comes to housecleaning, I don't do floors.

It's beneath me.

Truth
 
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[MoM] Gort
VeteranXV
Old
36 - 11-04-2016, 09:54 AM
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Two men get lost in the desert. Dying of thirst and hunger, they stumble across the sandy dunes until suddenly, one of the men turns to his partner and asks, "Hey, do you smell something?"
The second man sniffs the air and is surprised to find the aroma of bacon in the hot desert air.
"Bacon? BACON! My God, I smell bacon", the second man cries.
"You smell it too?", says the first man. "I thought I was going mad from heatstroke and hunger!"
Following their noses for what seems like miles, they finally see in the distance a lone tree which seems to be the source of the tantalizing scent. As they approach, they begin to see that the tree is draped in piece after piece of bacon. ALL types of bacon: smoked bacon, peppered bacon, Canadian bacon ("back bacon" for you Canucks), bacon in every conceivable form.
"A BACON TREE!", screams the first man and begins running toward the life-giving tree.
"Wait", shouts the second man, "I've heard of this, that's not a bacon tree it's..."
But before he can finish his sentence, a shot rings out and the first man drops dead in his tracks.
Spoiler
 
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[MoM] Gort
VeteranXV
Old
37 - 11-11-2016, 09:38 AM
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It's a little known fact that retired General George S. Patton hated coloring Easter eggs.

No, really.

Instead of helping his grandchildren color eggs, he would sit at the table with a bowl of cottage cheese and offer them an occasional bite. Proving, once again, the adage:
Spoiler


#HappyVeteransDay #thankavet
 
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Rayn
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Old
38 - 11-11-2016, 09:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TechnoDonut View Post
Did you hear about the circus fire?

Spoiler
I was playing some stupid board game with my wife and friends (Apples to Apples?) where someone names a topic and you have to play cards in your hard to best describe the named thing. Well the topic was circus and my wife played "intense" and you vote for the best answer in this game and she won. I have never forgiven her to this day.
 
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[MoM] Gort
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Old
39 - 11-11-2016, 12:50 PM
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So a man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I keep having the same two dreams. In the first, I'm a teepee and in the second, I'm a wigwam!" The doctor says, "That's easy. You're too tense."
 
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[MoM] Gort
VeteranXV
Old
40 - 11-18-2016, 09:38 AM
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I always gain weight over the holidays because I'm addicted to leftovers.

Starting this Thanksgiving, I'm quitting cold turkey.
 
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