OT: Very Sick Jokes(WARNING)
- Thread starter Sircle
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yelowjaket
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What do you call white guys pushing a car?
-White power
What do you call mexicans pushing a car?
-Grand theft auto
-White power
What do you call mexicans pushing a car?
-Grand theft auto
This guy is sitting in his living room surfing the channels on the television. All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and his girlfriend storms through.
She screams, "You fucking asshole!" and she heads into the bedroom.
Stunned, the man flips off the television and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, "Now what have I done?"
Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a pedophile!"
The man responds, "Wow, you're pretty smart for a 12 year old."
She screams, "You fucking asshole!" and she heads into the bedroom.
Stunned, the man flips off the television and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, "Now what have I done?"
Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a pedophile!"
The man responds, "Wow, you're pretty smart for a 12 year old."
Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"
His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."
Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."
So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."
Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."
So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
A poor little girl was begging in the street. A man passed by and the girl mumbled, "Please, sir, give me some money for a fix."
The man answers, astonished, "Good heavens! But, how old are you, little girl?"
"I'm eight, sir."
"Oh, my God, and how long have you been into drugs?"
"Since I was raped, sir, when I was four."
"RAPED?! And who raped you, little girl?"
"I don't remember, I was drunk."
The man answers, astonished, "Good heavens! But, how old are you, little girl?"
"I'm eight, sir."
"Oh, my God, and how long have you been into drugs?"
"Since I was raped, sir, when I was four."
"RAPED?! And who raped you, little girl?"
"I don't remember, I was drunk."
A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"
She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." His mind reeling, he asks, "And what do you do at this meeting?"
"Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement.
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."
"Very interesting..." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto........Tonto Goldstein."
She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." His mind reeling, he asks, "And what do you do at this meeting?"
"Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement.
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."
"Very interesting..." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto........Tonto Goldstein."
What did the cannibal do after he had dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the woods?
Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and say, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"
What's the definition of Trust?
Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone's eaten.
The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't you done eating yet?" The 2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now."
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.
One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like!
What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
A celebrity roast.
Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant?
Dinner costs an arm and a leg.
Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture?
Eatin' Allen's.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
What is a cannibal's favorite game?
Swallow the leader.
What do cannibals make out of politicians?
Bologna sandwiches.
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."
Wiped his ass.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the woods?
Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and say, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"
What's the definition of Trust?
Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone's eaten.
The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't you done eating yet?" The 2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now."
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.
One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like!
What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
A celebrity roast.
Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant?
Dinner costs an arm and a leg.
Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture?
Eatin' Allen's.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
What is a cannibal's favorite game?
Swallow the leader.
What do cannibals make out of politicians?
Bologna sandwiches.
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."
A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument.
So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.
So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift.
"Any thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need."
The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.
So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.
So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift.
"Any thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need."
The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.
=S3= Rasta
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Why is it unneccessary for women to wear wristwatches?
Theres a clock on the stove.
What do you tell a woman who's got 2 black eyes?
Nothing.... shes already been told - Twice!
What should be the 1st thing that a woman does when she leaves the battered womans shelter?
The fucking dishes if she knows whats good for her.
Why do woman have periods?
Because they deserve them.
Why did God give women slightly more brains then he gave to dairy cows?
So when you are yanking on their tits - they wont shit on your shoes.
Peace to You and Yours
Rasta
Theres a clock on the stove.
What do you tell a woman who's got 2 black eyes?
Nothing.... shes already been told - Twice!
What should be the 1st thing that a woman does when she leaves the battered womans shelter?
The fucking dishes if she knows whats good for her.
Why do woman have periods?
Because they deserve them.
Why did God give women slightly more brains then he gave to dairy cows?
So when you are yanking on their tits - they wont shit on your shoes.
Peace to You and Yours
Rasta
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