OT: Very Sick Jokes(WARNING)

Mommy mommy I hate running around in circles.
Shut up or I will nail your other foot to the floor!

Mommy mommy daddy is running away.
Shut up and reload!

Mommy mommy I hate hamburger.
Shut up or I will grind up your other arm!

Mommy mommy I hate my brothers guts.
Shut up and eat your dinner!
 
This one's a little long...

joooooooooke! (kidding) :lol:

After 5 years tending his claim, a prospector decides to "raise some cain", so he heads down the mountain to the closest boomtown saloon.

"Bartender," he says "give me a whiskey."

The prospector downs his drink in a gulp, leans over the bar and asks slyly, "So, bartender, got any women 'round here?"

The bartender replies, "Nope, but we got 'Ol Joe out back!"

"Fuck you," says the prospector. "I don't go in for any of that shit!" Then he leaves.

Five years pass. The prospector heads back down the mountain, walks into the same saloon and says, "Bartender, give me a whiskey."

Once again, the whiskey goes down in a gulp and the prospector says, "So, bartender, got any women 'round here yet?"

The bartender replies, "Nope, but we still got 'Ol Joe out back!"

"I told you," says the prospector, "I don't go in for any of that shit!" And heads back up the mountain.

Five more years pass. Same prospector, same saloon, same bartender, same "whiskey in a gulp", same proposition with the same reply.

"Nope, but we still got 'Ol Joe out back."

The prospector, having not had sex for 15 years, thinks for a bit and asks, "Bartender, if I was to go out back with 'Ol Joe, who'd know about it?"

"Well," says the bartender, "there'd be me, you, 'Ol Joe of course, and three other guys."

"Three OTHER guys!", shouts the prospector. "What in hell for!?!"

The bartender replies, "To hold down 'Ol Joe. He don't go in for any of that shit either!"
 
One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.
The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"
The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."
So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?".
The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?" The ant climbs up and starts to work away. Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head.
"Ouch" screams the elephant, and the ant responds, "Yeah take it all bitch


A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up. A gorilla walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity, and slips the lion a Liberace.
The gorilla takes off, and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit, a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down, and starts to read.
The lion runs into the camp, sticks his head into the tent, and roars,
" Arrgg! Did a gorilla come through here?"
The gorilla says, "You mean the one that fucked the lion in the ass?"
The lion says, "My God! You mean it's in the paper already




A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."


A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "What's that?"
The mom answers, "A vagina."
And the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"
And the mom answers, "As soon as you grow up."
Then the little girl goes up to her dad and asks, "What's that?"
And the dad answers, "A penis."
So the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"
And the the dad answers, "As soon as your mom goes to work."



Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
 
this one is realy fucking gross

A woman walks into the doctors office with a huge boil on her arse.

The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core. He says this is too big a job for me so he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.

The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says "this is no problem" and he proceeds to press his lips to her arse and sucks out the pus and core of the boil.

Halfway through, the woman drops a mammoth fart. Gus stops what he's doing, looks up and says "You know lady, its people like you that make this job fucking disgusting."
 
A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.

The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."

The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."
 
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be.

The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her.

"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."

A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked.

"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting.

Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her.

"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"
 
It's a Student nurses first day on the Maternity ward at the local hospital. Keen to impress, she goes up to the Senior nurse and presents herself and asks if there is anything she could do to help out straight away.

The Senior nurse, pleased with the students eagerness, passes over a little bundle and says, "this is little Johnny, he's only a few days old and he's not been well lately. Could you give him a bath while I attend to the other babies?"

Glad to help, the student disappears with the bundle.

About 30 minutes later, the Senior nurse is puzzled that the student hadn't come back yet, so goes and investigates.

She finds the student in bathroom with a bath half full of water, two fingers up the baby's nose, swilling the baby around it in a circular motion.

"What are you doing? That's not how you bath a baby!!!" screams the Senior nurse.

"It is when the water's this fucking hot!!!" replies the Student
 
Q: Why is a necrophiliac like a fur trapper?
They're both hunting for dead beaver.

A man is finishing a physical exam and his family doctor asks:
"Everything looks okay; is there anything else you can think of?"
"Well, yes, I'd like a birth control prescription for my daughter."
"Your daughter? Why she's only 12...you don't mean she's sexually active?"
"Nah...she just lays there like her mother."
 
*BUMP* And some jokes...

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local
parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a
car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on.
Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat
reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the
back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The
young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window
down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm
reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the
officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I
think she's knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young
man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said,

"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

----

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after
finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub.
As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and
decided to take a nap, his back against a tree. As he
slept, two young female French tourists walked down the
road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly.

When they came to the source of it, one said, "I've
always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his
kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery
for us! Let's thank him for the education!" Whereupon,
she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently
tied it around what nature had provided to the
Scotsman.

Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call
of nature. He walked around to the other side of the
tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind
at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a
bow.

After several moments passed, he said, "I donna know
where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'see y'won first
prize!"

---

A new business was opening and one of the owner's
friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They
arrived at the new business site and the owner read the
card; it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake
and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm
really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a
funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with
a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
 
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
Click to expand...

:lol: :rofl: :lol:
 
A man is sitting in a bar looking somewhat depressed. An
attractive woman sits down next to him and says, "I couldn't help noticing that you look a little down. Would you mind telling me what's wrong?"

The man explains that his wife has left him because she thought he was too kinky.

"What a coincidence" the woman says "my husband left me for the same reason."

So, they sit, have a few drinks, and chat. After a while the
woman says: "Well, it seems we have quite a bit in common. I have a place right around the corner. If you'd like to come over we can talk some more and see what happens."

The man agrees and they go to her apartment. As they enter the woman says "Let me go put on something a little more comfortable. I'll be right back."

She goes back to her room and proceeds to put on her leather panties, bra and boots. She takes her ridding crop and walks out looking very sexy.

As she comes in to the living room she sees the man putting on his coat and starting out the door. The woman says: "where are you going?"

"Lady" the man says "I already fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I'm outta here"
 
not really a sick joke, but I think its funny. when i type <name> just put in anyone's name your saying this too.
for ex. ill use fred


Guiness World Records is in town and these three midgets wanna have world records.
first midget says "i bet i have the smallet hands, little while later he comes back and says he has the smallest hands in the world."
second midget says he thinks he has smallest feet in the world, little while later he comes back and he does have smallest feet.
then the 3rd midget says, i bet i have the smallest dick in the world. he comes back awhile later looking very sad, the other midgets ask whats wrong and he replies, "if it only wasn't for that damned <fred>."
 
the sickest joke i know

Q:What's red,purple,slimey, and crawls up people's legs?
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a homesick abortion
 
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