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ptavv
VeteranXX
Contributor
Old
121 - 10-11-2007, 16:07
I discharge salty liquid from my sight giving ocular cavitities when contemplating what may henceforth occur with our race.
 
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Shadow(of)Death
VeteranX
Old
122 - 10-11-2007, 20:34
Helpful feedback Data. Thankyou


Quote:
Originally Posted by JDizzle4Rizzle View Post
If you go to a publisher, you will have an editor look it over and give you suggestions. Thus, you will be working for an editor.

After reading that, my best advice would be for you to take at least two creative writing classes at a university, and definitely take a poetry writing class, which will allow you to fine-tune your prose. Your diction and structure are very poor right now, which makes it difficult for readers to gain interest.
Thank you. I will be going back to school at the start of the year (been out of school for over 2 years, 3 by the time I go back - yeah it shows). I will still be a freshman, but already have the prerequisites to take any writing class I want. So I will be taking a lot of creative writing/writing classes. I won't be doing a poetry class, however I do value your advice and will be looking into poetry groups or something that does effect my GPA and that is a little more free to direction I want to take it.

Thanks
 
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mr_luc
VeteranX
Old
123 - 10-11-2007, 20:57
I've never been published. I'm just a guy who writes as a means to an end, and none of my ends have thus far involved books or articles.

Everyone needs to know how to write. That doesn't make us all writers. Consider this my disclaimer.

I am going to agree with what I see others are saying: you need to take classes. Not because classes and lectures and homework will teach you what good is, but because there's no substitute for sustained cycles of creation and criticism. Eventually, you can learn to do it on your own, but the level of built-in motivation is tremendous in a class setting.

It's the same for drawing, by the way. Or programming. Environments that force you to let go of your creations, expose them before your peers, and let them stand or fall on their merits, are superior to environments that coddle you.

It's easier said than done! I was young when I took my first college-level creative writing course, and I couldn't let go of my creations. I didn't realize fully that it doesn't matter if the thoughts, the ideas, behind my writing are pure and beautiful and sparkling with gemlike clarity -- no one can see my thoughts but me.

All readers can see are the words you choose.

I'll let Kurt Vonnegut take it from here. If anything you've read about writing conflicts with this essay, let this essay override it.

How To Write With Style
 
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Shadow(of)Death
VeteranX
Old
124 - 10-11-2007, 21:03
Whoa good little read. Thanks
 
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mr_luc
VeteranX
Old
125 - 10-11-2007, 21:18
Man, so ... I'm not going to fix anything. It's still hokey, but that's more a fault of ideas than style.

I'm just going to cut the first few paragraphs, to give you something to start with, with EXTREMELY MINOR additions sometimes to make the cuts work.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shadow(of)Death View Post

____________

It was a beautiful spring day in Northern Vermont.

Northern Vermont is land home to Naturist and Mennonite. A land of gravel roads, rolling green fields, stone fences with cows behind them.

A few yards away Farmer John and his wife Suzie Q sdfghsddfdfsdfssdfdffdfsd fsfsdfsdfsffdfsdf
Jesus H Christ I can't do it. I need a drink of water. You guys (secretsquirrel) are right, this has got to be a super-sophisticated troll.

My brain ... my ****ing brain ...
 
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mr_luc
VeteranX
Old
126 - 10-11-2007, 21:20
Quote:
Originally Posted by SecretSquirrel View Post
This may be some sort of sophisticated level 30 troll thread.

I never wrote this bad.

Sweet. I went to pull out a piece of my writing from the 1990's for comparison and I found my Unreal multiplay alias list.
I agree. Let me dig up something from when I was 12.
 
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CelticLegend
VeteranX
Old
127 - 10-11-2007, 21:38
Ok, all this talk about pulling out old writing... made me pull out a writing assignment from 4th or 5th grade (1982-ish). Written in blue ink, with a red "A" and "Super!" written across the top.


California Here They Come!

The town was asleep when they entered our galaxy. Speeding by the planets, through a few asteroid belts, the spaceship continued on its trek across the universe. Its course had been planned for years; a superior civilization coming back to Earth to rescue some of its lost members. Those few had been left behind some centuries ago, by mistake.

The sky was clear and black as a little boy looked up to see the stars. The next instant was fear-filled for the boy. A great blast of white light filled his yees. His backyard was as light as day. Wind rushed through his hair and the leaves on the trees rustled violently.

The alien's screen flashed and located the boy. The spaceship then landed in a field just behind the boy's backyard. "Mittens", the boy's cat, who had been sleeping in the field, jumped over the fence and into the boy's arms. He stood up and went to the gate to the field. Opening it carefully, he looked out. The great lighted spaceship was some 200 feet away. A soft but masculine voice protruded the night. "We come in peace."

A hatch, unnoticeable before, hissed open. Mittens squirmed in the boy's arms. The action was plausible, for standing in the hatchway was a five foot tall cat. A few moments passed before the figure descended from the spaceship, advancing toward the boy and his cat.

The huge alien cat then saw Mittens. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!" It turned around and leaped clear into the spaceship. The hatch was barely shut before the ship took off into deep space.

Mittens looked into the boy's eyes as if he were human. Their eyes met, but just for a minute, then Mittens jumped out of his arms, and sat on the ground, staring into space.
 
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Shadow(of)Death
VeteranX
Old
128 - 10-11-2007, 22:00
Ah, I love you guys.
 
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mr_luc
VeteranX
Old
129 - 10-11-2007, 22:01
Hahahaha awesome

Okay, 13 years old for this one (this story ended up being, like ... 30 pages before I got bored)

Quote:
Originally Posted by mr_luc @ 13
***8220;Reload! Reload!***8221;

Evan crouched as one of the black leathery shapes shot past him, shielding his head with both hands. He struggled to make himself heard over the roar of the battle, and shouted to his crew, ***8220;Reload! Faster!***8221;

Two more bats the size of eagles dove inwards above the battleground, dropping their rocks towards the machines beneath them. Three of the four repeater bows, each a half-ton of gleaming, intricate worked metal, swivelled on their pivots as they tracked the two attackers. The rapid regular snapping of the metal bowstrings spewed bright flickers of sharp light towards the unlucky animals and their small helmeted riders. One and then the other bat tumbled awkwardly, cartwheeling above the fierce battle below them, disappearing under the sea of skirmishing men. The bright metal repeaters pivoted steadily upwards, picking their targets from the circling and occasionally diving groups of flapping wings above them.

***8220;Reload! Here, give me the charge!***8221; Evan snatched the solid weight of the coiled charge from the outstretched hands of one of his crew. Working with the trained speed of experience, he released the old charge and inserted the new one, the tightly compressed metal spring straining against the restraints. He locked it into place on the left side of the inactive repeater and flipped the release.

Instantly the machine came alive, the three great stacked crossbows snapping out their arrows skyward. He motioned the archer into place, first tilting the nose back well above the troops battling below their small crest. As the technician took his place Evan hurried back to the charging station, dodging two Infantrymen rushing towards the front lines, some hundred yards distant.
 
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CelticLegend
VeteranX
Old
130 - 10-11-2007, 22:10
Good stuff! The action was cracking along. Makes you wonder what you could do now, don't it?
 
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mr_luc
VeteranX
Old
131 - 10-11-2007, 22:35
Quote:
Originally Posted by CelticLegend View Post
The huge alien cat then saw Mittens. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
This is a really, really funny story. The timing is surprisingly good.

I actually laughed out loud reading it.
 
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johnnypants
Veteran++
Old
132 - 10-11-2007, 23:11
did you just babelfish translate that from english to german to japanese to french to sign language back to englihs or something loelllllll
 
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claudius
VeteranX
Old
133 - 10-12-2007, 05:02
Quote:
Originally Posted by johnnypants View Post
did you just babelfish translate that from english to german to japanese to french to sign language back to englihs or something loelllllll
I did this for a writing class and made a poem. It's English to French to English (first stanza) to German to English (second stanza) to Spanish to English (third stanza).

Dead configuration flooded in the shallows,
Salt alluviums in a devastation of blood and entrails.
Disappeared in smoke and after one moment they came hammering behind.
A collection of chiefs like a certain dependent strange supplier for the market;
M- left fires of crackling.
Obtain far from him,
Hold its vacuum shoot.

Inundated in shallows like the victims of a certain accident at the sea,
Long black bolting devices with their measurers
Connected with dead ones.
The hair, that over its wrist was rotated, and the ladder.
M- let fires of the kneeling star regard.
If you procure far of it,
Turn to the volatile view.
Measure the propellant, swallow the barrels;
A prominent house,
An ascent in the north.

Extensive throughout the salt of the alluvium,
Bodies of the friction of the bloody water of the lake;
A color of rose of the light in the vista of the ascent.
They moved under deaths,
A lower surface of the sensations,
The scale, that fit together and the returns.
M- left to the fires of the star kneeling down.
If you try far from her,
Form smoothing G-, therefore his rifle:
Spiral of the entrance of the emptiness against the chair,
A volume of the Apaches mounted against the sky.
 
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