Fool
Whiny Bitch
It was a beautiful spring day in Northern Vermont. Is Vermont geography so different that you must distinguish between regions? For you whom haven’t had privilege to see this lush plantation of the earth, Holy shit this is some of the worst grammar I've ever seenyou are missing out on a choice land where Naturist and Mennonites alike settle to live a slower and less hectic lifestyle. For eyes foreign to this region, it may seem for a brief moment that one has been pulled back into the 1800’s. Are you telling me a story or trying to get me to move to Vermont? Little has changed as the rest of society has launched into the future. From gravel roads connecting communities, to rolling green fields as far as the eye can see. Stone fences are a familiar sight; along with the cows they help to contain. A few yards away Farmer John and his wife Suzie Q rock away in their chairs Farmer John and Suzie Q? Are you serious?, admiring the serenity of their protracted surroundings. Soon unfamiliar eyes are reminded of the true date as the occasional car passes by or a power line obstructs the view. Yawning...
With this slower way of life, comes a sight that is quickly diminishing in the greater part of society: THE FAMILY out in the yard playing TOGETHER.Why the all caps? This particular family is in the front yard of their Victorian style home, gated in by a picturesque white picket fence.You're trying too hard to create vivid imagery, and conveying nothing more than a cliched picture of "Setting: Country House" Caitlin, a young woman, is kicking the ball What ball? What kind? Is this ball so important it's known as "the ball"? back and forth with her parents. Standing tall and slender, her reverent and quiet ways keep Caitlin from sticking out amongst her peers. and yet she's supposed to stick out for the story? Caitlin’s light brown hair sways and shines under the sun, but she is most noticed for her jade blue eyes, that stare back at one like a pool of swirling water reflecting ones every expression.Let me see your character sheet, I thought you had gray eyes. Isn't Jade green btw?
Her father is multi-tasking between the ball kicking and attending the grill. Not even sure what tense you're trying to use. As a family they kick the ball back and forth, taking time to enjoy this day of days in the spring where birds are out making the music of the season and butterflies dance about in a light breeze. Trying too hard.Just as one slows down and becomes comfortable with this way of life, one is reminded this is the twenty-first century, and in this time of earth’s history, it takes not long before a modern convenience interrupts.Repeating first paragraph, totally extraneous
In this case, while Caitlin is kicking the ball to her mother, the phone interrupts.The phone stole the pass? Caitlin’s mother return kicks the ball,I thought the phone had it? and goes running for the phone. Father simultaneously turns his attention away from the ball and to the grill that is now spewing out flames unexpectedly.WTF flames? Big flames or standard grill flames one might expect from a grill? He works speedily to resituate the steak.yay thesaurus In the haste of Mothers return kickisn't she already answering the phone?, the ball went soaring a tad further than intended, sending the bright red ball now a description? over the white picket fence, and Caitlin running to retrieve it. Caitlin focused on the lustrous red ball, jumps the picket fence; the same picket fence that separates her property and the gravel road. Thank you for explaining that a fence separates a yard from a road.
Admittedly, up to this point, the narrator what what? has failed to mention one of the more frequent modern sights found in Northern Vermont: The Logging Truck, eighteen wheels, three hundred and fifty plus horse power, and a payload of around one hundred logs. She blinds everybody with her super high beams, She's a squirrel crushing, deer smacking, driving machine! With such a beast of a machine, it takes an experienced driver to safely operate one. With experience often comes confidence. Often time, over confidence. sentence fragments Joe, behind the wheel of this behemoth is attempting to eat lunch on the road to make better time. Shuffling through the brown bag on the passenger’s seat, keeping his eyes locked on the road, Joe obtains the apple he was searching for. Obtains? Is this WoW loot? Before he has the opportunity to lock his mouth around the Golden Delicious, the apple slips from his grasp, and falls to the floor. What's with all the clutzy behavior? With the apple rolling around on the floor, Joe turns his attention downward; distracting him from the young woman less than a safe distance in front of his sixteen-wheeler. how far is a safe distance so I know how close danger is?
As for Caitlin, she should have remembered the golden rule, listen up younger readers, LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING THE ROAD! I don't think you'll have to worry about older readers Unfortunately, the time it actually counts, Caitlin fails to do the above. You realize everyone has known Caitlin is gonna get hit by a car for a couple paragraphs now right? Now for the scenario that took only a few beats of a heart and ticks of a watch to setup, we see come to a shocking conclusion, destroying all hope of restoring tranquility to this family’s day. Thanks Magic 8ball.
Mother returns outside; it was a wrong number. Father closes the grill having the flame once again governed and places the tongs aside. Tongs put out flames now? Both parents now turn their attention back towards their daughter.So in the two seconds it took for her to run in the street, the father puts out an uncontrollable blaze and the mother runs inside to answer a phone but returns in time to see her daughter pancaked? Joe successfully obtains his now bruised apple and regains full awareness of his vehicle surroundings. Caitlin having the bright red ball in hand quickly becomes aware of the sixteen ton vehicle in her shadow.The size of the truck isn't really important. A fucking Gremlin would kill her too. “Caitlin!” Father screams, with time to do nothing more. Joe now aware of the awful sight before his eyes locks up all sixteen wheels, cranking the steering wheel away from the small frame that stares up at him like a deer in the headlights.Why use a metaphor of a deer behind hit by a car for a girl being hit by a truck? As the sixteen ton mass comes to a sliding stop, gravel and dirt shoot up from everywhere, confusing the awful sight, and cloaking the inevitable.shoot up from everywhere? Everywhere meaning the road?
With this slower way of life, comes a sight that is quickly diminishing in the greater part of society: THE FAMILY out in the yard playing TOGETHER.Why the all caps? This particular family is in the front yard of their Victorian style home, gated in by a picturesque white picket fence.You're trying too hard to create vivid imagery, and conveying nothing more than a cliched picture of "Setting: Country House" Caitlin, a young woman, is kicking the ball What ball? What kind? Is this ball so important it's known as "the ball"? back and forth with her parents. Standing tall and slender, her reverent and quiet ways keep Caitlin from sticking out amongst her peers. and yet she's supposed to stick out for the story? Caitlin’s light brown hair sways and shines under the sun, but she is most noticed for her jade blue eyes, that stare back at one like a pool of swirling water reflecting ones every expression.Let me see your character sheet, I thought you had gray eyes. Isn't Jade green btw?
Her father is multi-tasking between the ball kicking and attending the grill. Not even sure what tense you're trying to use. As a family they kick the ball back and forth, taking time to enjoy this day of days in the spring where birds are out making the music of the season and butterflies dance about in a light breeze. Trying too hard.Just as one slows down and becomes comfortable with this way of life, one is reminded this is the twenty-first century, and in this time of earth’s history, it takes not long before a modern convenience interrupts.Repeating first paragraph, totally extraneous
In this case, while Caitlin is kicking the ball to her mother, the phone interrupts.The phone stole the pass? Caitlin’s mother return kicks the ball,I thought the phone had it? and goes running for the phone. Father simultaneously turns his attention away from the ball and to the grill that is now spewing out flames unexpectedly.WTF flames? Big flames or standard grill flames one might expect from a grill? He works speedily to resituate the steak.yay thesaurus In the haste of Mothers return kickisn't she already answering the phone?, the ball went soaring a tad further than intended, sending the bright red ball now a description? over the white picket fence, and Caitlin running to retrieve it. Caitlin focused on the lustrous red ball, jumps the picket fence; the same picket fence that separates her property and the gravel road. Thank you for explaining that a fence separates a yard from a road.
Admittedly, up to this point, the narrator what what? has failed to mention one of the more frequent modern sights found in Northern Vermont: The Logging Truck, eighteen wheels, three hundred and fifty plus horse power, and a payload of around one hundred logs. She blinds everybody with her super high beams, She's a squirrel crushing, deer smacking, driving machine! With such a beast of a machine, it takes an experienced driver to safely operate one. With experience often comes confidence. Often time, over confidence. sentence fragments Joe, behind the wheel of this behemoth is attempting to eat lunch on the road to make better time. Shuffling through the brown bag on the passenger’s seat, keeping his eyes locked on the road, Joe obtains the apple he was searching for. Obtains? Is this WoW loot? Before he has the opportunity to lock his mouth around the Golden Delicious, the apple slips from his grasp, and falls to the floor. What's with all the clutzy behavior? With the apple rolling around on the floor, Joe turns his attention downward; distracting him from the young woman less than a safe distance in front of his sixteen-wheeler. how far is a safe distance so I know how close danger is?
As for Caitlin, she should have remembered the golden rule, listen up younger readers, LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING THE ROAD! I don't think you'll have to worry about older readers Unfortunately, the time it actually counts, Caitlin fails to do the above. You realize everyone has known Caitlin is gonna get hit by a car for a couple paragraphs now right? Now for the scenario that took only a few beats of a heart and ticks of a watch to setup, we see come to a shocking conclusion, destroying all hope of restoring tranquility to this family’s day. Thanks Magic 8ball.
Mother returns outside; it was a wrong number. Father closes the grill having the flame once again governed and places the tongs aside. Tongs put out flames now? Both parents now turn their attention back towards their daughter.So in the two seconds it took for her to run in the street, the father puts out an uncontrollable blaze and the mother runs inside to answer a phone but returns in time to see her daughter pancaked? Joe successfully obtains his now bruised apple and regains full awareness of his vehicle surroundings. Caitlin having the bright red ball in hand quickly becomes aware of the sixteen ton vehicle in her shadow.The size of the truck isn't really important. A fucking Gremlin would kill her too. “Caitlin!” Father screams, with time to do nothing more. Joe now aware of the awful sight before his eyes locks up all sixteen wheels, cranking the steering wheel away from the small frame that stares up at him like a deer in the headlights.Why use a metaphor of a deer behind hit by a car for a girl being hit by a truck? As the sixteen ton mass comes to a sliding stop, gravel and dirt shoot up from everywhere, confusing the awful sight, and cloaking the inevitable.shoot up from everywhere? Everywhere meaning the road?
