OT: Very Sick Jokes(WARNING)
- Thread starter Sircle
- Start date
zatooolman
Banned
Not sick, but funny
A kid is on the kitchen floor playing with his new train while his mother cooks dinner. He goes around the track once, twice then stops. He then announces “ All you mother fuckers getting on get on, all you mother fuckers getting off get off!” His mother stands there in shock not believing what she just heard. She decides to wait a few minutes and see what happens. Sure enough the kid goes around the track once, twice then stops. He then announces “ All you mother fuckers getting on get on, all you mother fuckers getting off get off!” His mother quickly yanks the little boy up by the arm an explains to him that “ Son we do not know any mother fuckers, all we know are nice people. Now you go to your room and think about what you have done.” The little boy runs crying off to his room and shuts the door.
About two hours later the little boys’ mother comes to his room and asks him if he has learned his lesson. “ Yes mama, all we know is nice people, “ he explains. “ That’s right son, now you can play with your train now”.
The little kid goes back into the kitchen and sits down to play with his train. He goes around the track once, twice then stops. He then announces “ All you nice people getting on get on, all you nice people getting off get off, and all you mother fuckers worried about the two hour delay go see the bitch in the kitchen”
z
A kid is on the kitchen floor playing with his new train while his mother cooks dinner. He goes around the track once, twice then stops. He then announces “ All you mother fuckers getting on get on, all you mother fuckers getting off get off!” His mother stands there in shock not believing what she just heard. She decides to wait a few minutes and see what happens. Sure enough the kid goes around the track once, twice then stops. He then announces “ All you mother fuckers getting on get on, all you mother fuckers getting off get off!” His mother quickly yanks the little boy up by the arm an explains to him that “ Son we do not know any mother fuckers, all we know are nice people. Now you go to your room and think about what you have done.” The little boy runs crying off to his room and shuts the door.
About two hours later the little boys’ mother comes to his room and asks him if he has learned his lesson. “ Yes mama, all we know is nice people, “ he explains. “ That’s right son, now you can play with your train now”.
The little kid goes back into the kitchen and sits down to play with his train. He goes around the track once, twice then stops. He then announces “ All you nice people getting on get on, all you nice people getting off get off, and all you mother fuckers worried about the two hour delay go see the bitch in the kitchen”
z
This guy goes to a grocery store and asks the clerk behind the
counter for two cans of dog food.
"Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk.
"Yes I do!" replied the puzzled customer.
"I'm sorry sir" said the clerk "but you're going to have prove to
me that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food."
Back home went the frustrated customer to get his dog and pulled
it on its leash all the way back to the store.
"Here's my dog!" wheezed the tired customer.
"Thank you sir, here is your two cans of dog food."
Two days later the guy returns to the same store and goes up to
the same clerk and says:
"Two cans of cat food please."
"Do you have a cat sir?"
"Of course I do!" said the exasperated customer.
"I'm sorry sir, but I have to see your cat before I can sell you
cat food."
The guy storms out of the store, goes home, grabs his cat, drags
it back to the store and holds up the cat by it's tail for the
clerk to see.
"Thank you sir, here is your two cans of cat food."
The very next day. The guy returns to the store, approaches the
clerk and places on the counter a white shoebox with a small hole
on the cover.
"Yes sir", asked the clerk, "what can I do for you?"
"Put your finger in the hole" ordered the customer.
"I beg your pardon?" said the clerk.
"Do as I say!" ordered the guy.
Cautiously the clerk slid his finger all the way in the hole.
"Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!" said the guy.
Said the disgusted clerk, ""It looks like ..." To which the
customer replied "THAT'S RIGHT!!, Now give me two rolls of toilet
paper!"
counter for two cans of dog food.
"Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk.
"Yes I do!" replied the puzzled customer.
"I'm sorry sir" said the clerk "but you're going to have prove to
me that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food."
Back home went the frustrated customer to get his dog and pulled
it on its leash all the way back to the store.
"Here's my dog!" wheezed the tired customer.
"Thank you sir, here is your two cans of dog food."
Two days later the guy returns to the same store and goes up to
the same clerk and says:
"Two cans of cat food please."
"Do you have a cat sir?"
"Of course I do!" said the exasperated customer.
"I'm sorry sir, but I have to see your cat before I can sell you
cat food."
The guy storms out of the store, goes home, grabs his cat, drags
it back to the store and holds up the cat by it's tail for the
clerk to see.
"Thank you sir, here is your two cans of cat food."
The very next day. The guy returns to the store, approaches the
clerk and places on the counter a white shoebox with a small hole
on the cover.
"Yes sir", asked the clerk, "what can I do for you?"
"Put your finger in the hole" ordered the customer.
"I beg your pardon?" said the clerk.
"Do as I say!" ordered the guy.
Cautiously the clerk slid his finger all the way in the hole.
"Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!" said the guy.
Said the disgusted clerk, ""It looks like ..." To which the
customer replied "THAT'S RIGHT!!, Now give me two rolls of toilet
paper!"
I missed that one.zatooolman
Banned
Last edited:
zatooolman
Banned
zatooolman
Banned
zatooolman
Banned
zatooolman
Banned
Bounty walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded Bounty.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded Bounty.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
zatooolman
Banned
zatooolman
Banned
Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before.
1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks.
2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI!
3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed!
1st guy: No, no.. you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog.
1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks.
2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI!
3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed!
1st guy: No, no.. you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog.
zatooolman
Banned
In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
******************************************
There was a farmer who owned a bull and a female cow and was trying desperately to mate the two. No matter what he did the bull didn't want any.
Finally he went to a friend who claimed to have had the same problem. So he asked him what could he do. The friend told him that he had to stick his arm up the cows pussy and rub it on the bull's nose. After doing so the bull went crazy and started humping the cow over and over.
With the success of the bull the farmer starts to wonder if this will work for him. So that night he gets in bed and starts playing with his wife. He rubs his nose with his hand and gets the biggest boner he has ever gotten.
He wakes his wife and tells her to look. She looks, and with a mean look on her face says, "You woke me up to show me that you have a bloody nose."
***************************************************
Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."
The boss says, "What's that?"
Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."
They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit."
Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."
************************************************
A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest.
The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!"
The pedophile says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!"
***************************************************
A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."
*************************************************
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
***********************************************
A girl goes up to her father one night and says, "Dad, can I have the car tonight?"
Her father looks at her thoughtfully and says, "Sure, if you give me a blowjob."
So the girl puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out.
"Your penis tastes like shit!" she cries.
"Oh yeah," her father replied, "I forgot I loaned the car to your brother tonight."
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
******************************************
There was a farmer who owned a bull and a female cow and was trying desperately to mate the two. No matter what he did the bull didn't want any.
Finally he went to a friend who claimed to have had the same problem. So he asked him what could he do. The friend told him that he had to stick his arm up the cows pussy and rub it on the bull's nose. After doing so the bull went crazy and started humping the cow over and over.
With the success of the bull the farmer starts to wonder if this will work for him. So that night he gets in bed and starts playing with his wife. He rubs his nose with his hand and gets the biggest boner he has ever gotten.
He wakes his wife and tells her to look. She looks, and with a mean look on her face says, "You woke me up to show me that you have a bloody nose."
***************************************************
Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."
The boss says, "What's that?"
Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."
They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit."
Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."
************************************************
A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest.
The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!"
The pedophile says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!"
***************************************************
A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."
*************************************************
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
***********************************************
A girl goes up to her father one night and says, "Dad, can I have the car tonight?"
Her father looks at her thoughtfully and says, "Sure, if you give me a blowjob."
So the girl puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out.
"Your penis tastes like shit!" she cries.
"Oh yeah," her father replied, "I forgot I loaned the car to your brother tonight."
zatooolman
Banned
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.
:bigmouth:
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.
:bigmouth: