Wednesday jokes

What does it mean when a woman is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?






You didnt hold the pillow down long enough



A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."





post some

what's the difference between a gay dude and a fridge?

fridge doesn't fart when you take out the meat

i don't get either of them

why would she be gasping if the pillow is no longer on her face

& the second one

what the fuck, i'll miss you ?? is he gonna kill himself or is he gonna kill her i can't figure it out

How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?



You open the door and put the giraffe in.

I have a German Shepard & I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I had ended up in the hospital last time, cause I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

BallZDeeP said:

I have a German Shepard & I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I had ended up in the hospital last time, cause I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

Click to expand...

Now this one I liked

-cyanide- said:

i don't get either of them

why would she be gasping if the pillow is no longer on her face

& the second one

what the fuck, i'll miss you ?? is he gonna kill himself or is he gonna kill her i can't figure it out

Click to expand...

you amaze me

This woman is a new clerk at a local sex shop and it is her first day on the job. Her boss decides that she can handle the lunch hour rush and leaves to see his hoochie he is having an affair with. With the boss gone, the first customer comes through the door - a black woman. She says, "What's that up there?" Well, the clerk turns and tells her that that is a white dildo and it will cost her $10. The black woman agrees saying she has never 'had' white before. Next, a white woman comes in and asks how much the black dildo is on the wall. The clerk tells her it is extra large and it will cost her $20. The white woman agrees to the purchase saying that she has never 'had' black before. Lastly, a blonde walks in and asks what the silver thing on the wall is and how much it costs. The clerk says what silver thing aare you talking about? The blonde points to it way up on the top shelf. The clerk tells her - Oh that! - that it is a very special silver dildo and will cost you $100. The blonde agrees to the purchase claiming to never have had silver before. Now, after lunch the boss returns from his exploits and asks the clerk how she did. When she tells him she made $130 in sales - he says - that's great, but what the heck did you sell for $130???
The clerk replies; "I sold a white dildo for $10, a black dildo for $20 and your thermos for $100..............




When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we have ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit,his guide dog bit me."





John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing. He asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering his boss' warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamppost. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup. So, I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained. "Ex-Lax?!! That won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily. "Sure it will!" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

BallZDeeP said:

you amaze me

Click to expand...

explain your shitty jokes please

How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a light bulb?






















YOU DON'T KNOW!
YOU WEREN'T THERE!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Toronto, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012th to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

^^ so true.

The wife is wearing a negligee and asks her husband the ex marine what it reminded him of.
"Our wedding night, I said I'd fuck your brains out and suck the life out of those tits."
"So what do you say now, big boy?" she asked.
"Mission accomplished," he went back to his paper.

Stilgar said:

The wife is wearing a negligee and asks her husband the ex marine what it reminded him of.
"Our wedding night, I said I'd fuck your brains out and suck the life out of those tits."
"So what do you say now, big boy?" she asked.
"Mission accomplished," he went back to his paper.

Click to expand...

hahhaha

Stilgar said:

The wife is wearing a negligee and asks her husband the ex marine what it reminded him of.
"Our wedding night, I said I'd fuck your brains out and suck the life out of those tits."
"So what do you say now, big boy?" she asked.
"Mission accomplished," he went back to his paper.

Click to expand...

that got me

A couple of rednecks are in the in-field of the Talladaga 500 walking around and drinking heavily. They come upon a dog hunched over licking its balls. One of the rednecks says "Man, I sure wish I could do that." The other responds, "No way man! He'd bite you for sure!"

nice one

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.

She does and they continue.

A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."

She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."

The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.

This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"

So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"

He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."

This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde
behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although
familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"